It's fleeting, yet can drag so slowly and chaotically like a child's blanket...clung to desperately and yet trailing behind picking up dirt and debris along the way.
We relish the wisdom we gain through years of experiences; good, bad and indifferent. Yet we long to hold on to our youth. It IS wasted on the young after all, right?
As an almost 46 year old sage, I look back on so much. Familial memories, evolved and eradicated friendships, loves lost, jobs changed and career found. Trauma, experience, reflection.
I was recently asked, if I could go back and change anything in my life, what would it be. And to be honest now, it would be nothing.
Had you asked me many years and therapists ago, I would have likely listed a barrage of life events...taking back so much loss, taking back being raped, taking back years of abusive relationships.
I would have willed so many people I lost to death were still here. My Father, Grandfather, friends, Walt... that the hardships, near homelessness and depression I had experienced never would have happened at all.
To view it like I was watching a movie of what my life could have been...my own Ghost of Christmas Future moment. An out of body Dickens experience.
And yet now, despite the years of horrible things I've endured, I see it all now as a badge of honor.
I bent yes, like a willow in a hurricane, but I did not break.
I have realized the culmination of my life has brought me where I am now.
A road not necessarily diverged in a yellow wood, and certainly not always well paved. A road in classic Massachusetts style. Loaded with detours, seemingly endless construction and potholes. With my internal GPS constantly recalculating my route. And definitely lots of F bombs. So.many.F.bombs.
I learned who I am throughout this journey. To own my mistakes and to also learn that it wasn't always my fault. I am not responsible for other people's shit. I could lead a horse to water, but if that horse sank in the mud like Artax in the Neverending Story, it wasn't my fault.
Other people's thoughts and intentions are not and never have been MY burden to carry. I am solely responsible for how I respond. For my own words and actions.
I get to take my experiences and share them. I can only own my part to play in the theater of life.
I get to empathize and help others. To make my life's mission what's now a TikTok challenge. To listen and not judge. Nosy as I may appear
I get to set boundaries and know my worth. I get to decide nonnegotiables and compromises. But I also get to be vulnerable and overthink. To question things due to my past experiences and let's face it...traumas...and to learn to trust my gut. It is somehow surprisingly accurate when I don't ignore it.
Aging may be something to physically fight, and like the Mike Tyson/ Jake Paul match, it may just be all about marketing...or eye cream and botox and crossfit. There may be little blue pills and the constant need to defy gravity like Elphaba.
But the mental fortitude I've gained from my experiences is something you won't be able to pry from my cold, dead hands.
