Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Foolish, Foolish Me
There are many things in life I simply do not understand. (Although much to popular belief is the assumption that I know everything, but you know what they say about those who assume...)
Physics, most math related subjects, organized religion. But moreover the minds of men. Minds, feelings, thought processes. All of it.
The past few weeks have left me reeling. In and out or varying stages of emotional turmoil. Sickness, withdrawal, possibly even denial (and NOT a river in Egypt).
How can things so suddenly stop, change? How is it that those with estrogen flowing through their prospective bodies are the ones left laying in the wake? As though an emotional tornado ravaged everything, so quickly and so devastatingly, and just as fast as it began, tear out and leave you amongst the rubble of all you once knew?
Shell shocked and weary. Unable to fathom that this mess around you was once so stable, safe.
How is it they want change yet want things to remain the same? Seeming sure and unsure in some twisted Jekyll and Hyde situation. You have hope one minute, none the next.
You just want to go back in time. Back when all was perfect and just and good. Rewind any and all seemingly minute interactions that may have caused this chaos.
How does something once so coveted, so wanted, so loved just vanish?
How can you expect things to just go back as though such intense love never existed? Pretend that it will all be OK when inside you've been shattered into an infinite number of pieces. Too much so to be put back together and ever be the same?
The tears you shed so easily now inside you. Festering the hurt, the immeasurable pain and emptiness that is consuming your every thought.
You try you do, so hard to distract yourself. To throw yourself into mindless tasks and countless interactions. But it lingers, just below the surface.
Your chest heaves faster with the sound of a voice, that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Caught between hope and fear. Your eyes light up at the sight, your own corneal deception.
Dreams infiltrated. Fit-full tosses and turns throughout each night as you try to grasp the surreality of what is before you. Holding on to memories, years of repressed emotion, feelings you knew you harbored yet denied for so long. Self preservation perhaps in preparation of just such an event as this.
There was no hurt in callousness. No fear when you cared not. And now, floodgates open and raw you feel it all tenfold. Consumed by it all.
I don't understand the change. In situation or in self.
I just long for the resolution, the way back to the euphoria I felt not so very long ago. When I felt safe in my life, my thoughts. When I was able to trust for the first time fully.
Foolish, foolish me.