Thursday, July 29, 2010

And I'm Torn

I really don't know what to do
My heart still broken, my head confused

Between what I want to believe and what I know
The real reasons however still unknown

I want things back so many ways
But words and actions keep replaying

The why you gave I never bought
Before the end we rarely fought

In love yet broken, unprepared
Thoughts are reeling, feeling scared

How do I know you mean it? How do I know what is real?
How do I trust what you say? How can you show what you feel?

I lay in wait....and I'm torn

Monday, July 19, 2010

You...My Last Request


No one has ever had more power than you, more ability.

You have the power to piss me off like no other, to make me laugh until it hurts, to cry like a lost child. You can make me happier than I've ever been, more turned-on by just a look, and frustrated beyond belief.

"And you kiss me like a lover, then you sting me like a viper"

Amidst nonsensical arguments, I long only to look at you. To have us both realize it makes no sense, that all that does is you and I. As we always have.

I feel you when you're gone. The ghost of you lingers in all that I do, I say, I remember. People, places, things. All points connected. Where we went, who we saw, what we heard. You're everywhere.

I can't escape it no matter how hard I try. Try to occupy myself mindlessly. So many great lines in movies, prose and song lead me back to you. Always back to you. And I know that in hearing them written by others, that I am not alone in how I feel. That it is possible, it's real.

"I'm not a perfect person,There's many things I wish I didn't do, But I continue learning,I never meant to do those things to you, And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know"

Not always perfect. Far from it. Shrouded in defensiveness to hide the ever-mounting insecurities. You saw through them all. Vulnerable and raw you've seen it all. From my Sunday best to my train wreck and you were there.

I sit in my solitude, awash in estrogenated DVD's and I listen to words spoken, to happy and not so happy-ever-afters. Not everything is perfect, but should be OK.

In "27 Dresses", she says at the end "I've been waiting my whole life for man to come along and then you showed up and you are nothing like what I imagined. You're cynical and cranky and impossible but the truth is fighting with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I think there's a very good chance that I've fallen in love with you...."

And I am. Totally and unabashedly. Retardly and madly. More deeply than I ever thought humanly possible.

You anger me and frustrate me, and yes we fight. Yes we disagree. No one can ever be expected to get along all the time, or to always see things the same way. It's human nature. It shows passion when there is no malice. We are the same in so many ways, yet different in so many others. We fit. And I would rather fight and make-up with you for the rest of my life than live a day without you.

And it is cheesy and cliched and it maybe to you it seems like reaching, but it's all true.

My heart is a mess, my head is worse. I don't think before I speak. The things I say come out wrong more often than not. And I am the farthest thing from ideal.

I Devil's Advocate my way out of every situation. I counter everything. Why? I wish I knew. I don't have common sense when it comes to a lot of things. Things you showed me, brought to the table. Made me see.

Clearer than if I had my eyes checked again and was given new glasses.

I have been wrong, more often than not. Openly admitting mistakes I have made. Stupid ones at that.

But know one thing for certain.

No one will ever love you more than I do. I love everything you are, and everything you aspire to be. I love every flaw you have and every flaw you point out in me. The person you are, even when you're being a jackass. And as much as I HATE fighting with you, there is no one in this world I would rather do it with. I love that when we're together I feel fearless. That anything is possible.

I don't expect much, I am not asking the world. All I ever wanted was your love. Given freely and fully. And you have that from me.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"

So grant my Last Request....

Friday, July 16, 2010

Incognito In Plain Sight

It looms on, seemingly standard, uneventful. Days filled with sleeping late and laziness.

Sprinkled in fun hither and yon, like a trip to the lake for 3 days. Complete with quintessential boat rides, tubing, jet skiing. Beach days and BBQ's.

A random Tuesday at a water park for a friends son's birthday. Sounds idyllic on paper really.

Summer of fun and sun, right?

One would think.

I'm plagued by a job market that doesn't seem to be improving, amidst media rumors to the contrary.

I find myself a beggar of sorts, sans tattered clothes and street side, but reaching for handouts nonetheless. Scouring the land of government and charitable assistance just trying to get by.

I feel like less of a person, a degenerate. TV, internet and phone off now for close to a month if not more (hence the lack in blog posting). My 5 year old asking daily if we can have TV back yet. Heartbreaking to keep telling him mama has no money.

I had to get help to keep my gas from getting shut off, to get my rent (well half) paid this month. Unemployment is a joke. 60% of what I used to make my ass. It's closer to less than half, and that's including the oh-so-generous $25 they give me for having a child.

I'm working with four staffing companies, if you can even call it that. Three of them are essentially useless. Only one of them actually keeps in touch with me reguarly and seems to have leads to anything. The others don't even like to return phone calls, let alone seem to be helping me find work.

My resume' is on every job site known to me. I get the same lame updates daily. I apply and send away like a Spam robot programmed to pimp myself by email to prospective employers.

It's become a game to them. The news just last night (according to my mother, since I sadly don't have access to such current events) said employers are now basing their hiring choices on credit checks.

Well that's just fucking stellar if that's true. I may never work again.

Like every 18 year old back in the day, I jacked my credit up pretty damn good. I also however, did a good job paying off all of them, B.D. (Before Dylan) With the exception of one that decided to be sheisty after my "settlement", but I digress...

Of course, in the A.D. (After Dylan) and short time I was still caught up in the wake of the tsunami that was his father, my past due's mounted ever higher, due to his taking all my money from working 3 jobs and nursing an infant to buy heroin, but again, a story for another day.

But now, all these years later, after having had a great job with great pay, even then just barely getting by, to lose that to a failed economy makes trying to get back on your feet as impossible as a turtle overturned righting itself.

The mountain insurmountable, as it were. Bouncing back like throwing a ball of glass against a brick wall and having it shatter, mockingly in front of you, in a million little pieces.

Those pieces, your life. Each myriad section an aspect fallen in different directions, all at once, and all apart. And you, now, a collector. Trying to not only find them all, but somehow piece it all back together.

And so, as in those chiched applications of essay topics from yesteryear of "How I Spent My Summer Vacation", I am spending mine behind an air of carelessness, a facade of carefree whistfulness, when really I am sad, I am scared and alone.

I am hurting and hiding, in plain sight. Undercover incognito, just hoping for my ship to come in.


Chaos, trouble, my world's been shattered
Broken, busted, bruised and battered
All is gone, all that mattered
Twisted, torn, completely tattered

Tears I shed consume my soul
Sleepless nights take their toll

Love's been lost, the world's amiss
The words you said defied by kiss

Heart is broken in pieces infinite
No longer thriving, no longer in it

Chaos, trouble, my world's been shattered
Broken, busted, bruised and battered
Twisted, torn, completely tattered
A time, a place where I once mattered
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Street Cred....Blog Love from Other Bloggers

Street Cred....Blog Love from Other Bloggers