Monday, July 19, 2010
You...My Last Request
No one has ever had more power than you, more ability.
You have the power to piss me off like no other, to make me laugh until it hurts, to cry like a lost child. You can make me happier than I've ever been, more turned-on by just a look, and frustrated beyond belief.
"And you kiss me like a lover, then you sting me like a viper"
Amidst nonsensical arguments, I long only to look at you. To have us both realize it makes no sense, that all that does is you and I. As we always have.
I feel you when you're gone. The ghost of you lingers in all that I do, I say, I remember. People, places, things. All points connected. Where we went, who we saw, what we heard. You're everywhere.
I can't escape it no matter how hard I try. Try to occupy myself mindlessly. So many great lines in movies, prose and song lead me back to you. Always back to you. And I know that in hearing them written by others, that I am not alone in how I feel. That it is possible, it's real.
"I'm not a perfect person,There's many things I wish I didn't do, But I continue learning,I never meant to do those things to you, And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know"
Not always perfect. Far from it. Shrouded in defensiveness to hide the ever-mounting insecurities. You saw through them all. Vulnerable and raw you've seen it all. From my Sunday best to my train wreck and you were there.
I sit in my solitude, awash in estrogenated DVD's and I listen to words spoken, to happy and not so happy-ever-afters. Not everything is perfect, but should be OK.
In "27 Dresses", she says at the end "I've been waiting my whole life for man to come along and then you showed up and you are nothing like what I imagined. You're cynical and cranky and impossible but the truth is fighting with you is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I think there's a very good chance that I've fallen in love with you...."
And I am. Totally and unabashedly. Retardly and madly. More deeply than I ever thought humanly possible.
You anger me and frustrate me, and yes we fight. Yes we disagree. No one can ever be expected to get along all the time, or to always see things the same way. It's human nature. It shows passion when there is no malice. We are the same in so many ways, yet different in so many others. We fit. And I would rather fight and make-up with you for the rest of my life than live a day without you.
And it is cheesy and cliched and it maybe to you it seems like reaching, but it's all true.
My heart is a mess, my head is worse. I don't think before I speak. The things I say come out wrong more often than not. And I am the farthest thing from ideal.
I Devil's Advocate my way out of every situation. I counter everything. Why? I wish I knew. I don't have common sense when it comes to a lot of things. Things you showed me, brought to the table. Made me see.
Clearer than if I had my eyes checked again and was given new glasses.
I have been wrong, more often than not. Openly admitting mistakes I have made. Stupid ones at that.
But know one thing for certain.
No one will ever love you more than I do. I love everything you are, and everything you aspire to be. I love every flaw you have and every flaw you point out in me. The person you are, even when you're being a jackass. And as much as I HATE fighting with you, there is no one in this world I would rather do it with. I love that when we're together I feel fearless. That anything is possible.
I don't expect much, I am not asking the world. All I ever wanted was your love. Given freely and fully. And you have that from me.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"
So grant my Last Request....