Monday, August 30, 2010
Jigsawed and Raw
Ever feel like your life was a puzzle?
That certain things were designed to fit just so in order for the whole picture to be clear and apparent?
Sure a couple pieces may be able to have been forced into place over the years, seemingly forced to fit for a while, until other pieces fill those voids and you notice the picture completely off. Those phony fixes, temporary glitches on the way to the bigger picture.
It's not one of those child-like puzzles, with large and easy to maneuver parts that seem to just slide into their appropriate shapes without much thought or effort, no. More like a million part jigsaw configured of a design that may not make much sense when you first get started.
But slowly and completely nonsensically certain things come together. They click and that proverbial light bulb goes off in your head, your heart, and your gut. You know that that piece is JUST the right one. All those attempts at trying to fit something else in that place were futile.
It's an ongoing game of trial and error really. You pick up a piece, thinking it will just lock right in where you are attempting to put it, hopeful even maybe a little. Moreover you're just anxious, impatient.
You want to hurriedly rush through throwing pieces together in hopes you will get to see that finished product. In all its glory, the picture of your life. You want to see ahead of time how it looks, how it turns out, how it will look when it's completed. It’ s oddly not designed to work that way.
It's a difficult task. There are parts of that picture you may wish to forget, others you wish took up a much larger area. Pieces that made no sense when you first placed them where you thought they belonged, but they perhaps linked you far more easily to the next piece.
But more and more, as days pass and time goes on, the pieces that fit are a perfect blend of your life. The good, the bad, the ugly; the entirety of where you are now and a map-like course of how you got there. All of it cautiously put together in such a way that the final outcome will be something unique, something perhaps even beautiful.
As time goes on, you have become more adept at finding the pieces that fit together correctly. More an expert to what makes sense and you’re better at weeding out the ones that don't belong. Sure you sometimes get frustrated and try to force a piece you think should go where you want it, you are eager to get to the finished product. You want it all to make sense.
Some parts weren't so easily placed. You learn to appreciate the ones you stumbled upon that after so much effort and frustration just suddenly click. You celebrate your silent Hallelujah. When it all starts to come together you can't help but rejoice. At the end of the effort you feel happy. Finally.
And your puzzle, like a Rorschach ink blot, may look different to someone else. They may look at it and see something completely off of what you do, but it makes no matter. Its how it fits in your own life, how you define your own happiness.
Each fragment built out of the recycled remains of loss and sadness, out of triumphs and failures, love and friendship, family and successes. You're own form of residual compost, a custom blend made to nurture the very nature of all you do.
So now as the pieces start to fit together in such a way that I can perhaps visualize the outcome, try to avoid those less appealing pieces I know in my heart don't fit. Be more cautious and know that the pieces I do choose make sense.
I am filled with relief looking at what I have that fit so far. Those pieces that were meant to last and that make sense. The strong frame for the picture I will be working on until I take my last breathe. Looking back at the efforts made before of attempting to work with parts that didn’t go together right. Impatiently trying to force them in, eager to get it right, and not always able to do so.
It’s a far greater feeling to know that I am able to recognize the pieces I need in my life. The ones that fit with ease, and make the part of the puzzle I am in now feel complete.
Piece by piece I will finish. I will see it through until my puzzle shows the rest of the world the picture I worked so hard to create. Made out of tears and of laughter, of good times, bad times. Show the wear on the edges of those attempts I made to make things work, show the seamless edges of those I was able to recognize as a perfect fit right away.
Jigsawed and raw, it is mine and mine alone, and it’s all starting to make sense.