Dysfunctional Function

There is nothing like a wedding to make you realize you are alone and completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.

I sat Saturday amongst people who on the outside appear to be my friends, people I have known for most of my life. Gone to grade school with, high school. Seen them all get married, one by one. The last pairing just engaged and waiting until they finish school to get married. I sat among the couples and have never felt more isolated in my life.

They talked of their weddings naturally, because of course being at another wedding made them reminisce of what they did for theirs. Talks of honeymoons and miscellaneous romantic getaways they have since taken. Couples talk, that I of course couldn't jump into, so I just sat and sought salvation in my Malibu and Diet, hoping that the hours would just fly by, which of course they didn't.

They would talk of their houses, their hours of yard work together and weekend trips to the Home Depot, like I was watching some modernized version of Ozzie and Harriet, come to life before my very eyes, here in the new millennium.

Then of course once they got to talk about children I had something to chime in here and there about, but I was barely paid attention to. My single-motherhood was no match for daddy-diaper duty and the tag-teamed parenting stories of the "new" mothers in the group. I couldn't relate anymore, I had a kid not a baby. What did I know?

Trip after trip to the thankfully open bar, and still I felt shunned. Never more uncomfortable in a setting, supposedly by those I know the best and have known the longest. My only salvation were those I had once been adopted by in college, a college I didn't even go to. My pseudo-sorority sisters who lovingly took me in, shoes kicked off and danced the night away, leaving their husbands, and thankfully all talk of them over at the bar discussing lord knows what.

I never thought at 30 years old I would be the unmarried one, well maybe unmarried, but not the single one. I never thought I would be envious of the white picket fences and trips to Home Depot. I'm not exactly overly-domestic, but I want that life, that stability, the love, the happiness.

How has it all evaded me? What did I miss? Do wrong? I used to be able to find love...well find men who loved me anyway. I never had fear of the opposite sex or what they thought of me. I never had a self-conscious bone in my body. What happened?

While packing my things to move I found boxes of things from old boyfriends. Letters, dried flowers, balloons, pictures, poems. I used to be sought after. I was once devoted to. And none of that worked out. I would hit that one year bench-mark and hit the road. They weren't Mr. Right, but they were Mr. Right Now, at least they were then.

And again on Saturday, at another wedding, I get to do it all over. Most likely seated with the same couples. Dateless and alone. Listening to how they spent Labor Day weekend weeding their gardens in their happily mortgaged homes, off to home improvement stores with their spouses in tow. What trips to the Cape they took, or vacations they are planning.

I get to sit and tune it all out. Sit and try not to cry again, as I did this past wedding, while I am reminded for hours, that ‘til death, I am alone.

Another dysfunctional function.

Happily-Ever-After...

I used to believe in Happily-Ever-After. I was once a bushy-tailed, bright-eyed optimist. Glass half full, every cloud has a silver lining, look on the bright side of life kind of person.

Shocking I know.

I once dreamed whole heartedly of the places I'd go, the things I would do, what goals I would accomplish. Not in a what-if manner, no. I had every intention of making things happen. I was a go-getter. A fast-talking, quick paced, spirited gal who had the world on a string and was sitting on a rainbow (thanks Frankie).

I envisioned that someday my Prince would come, not so much led by horse-drawn chariot, but he would be there nonetheless. Meeting me at the end of an aisle, accompanied by music, surrounded by loved ones and draped all in white on the arm of my father, beaming with pride and eyes glistening with tears of happiness.

And then it all changed. You would think like a shattering glass it had landed and spread cutting and dangerous, you had to watch every step, but no. It was far more subtle. Slowly it died like flowers wilting, losing all signs of the life it once held until it petrifies. Devoid of the brilliant colors it once held, the faint aromas once so pleasant replaced with the pungent stench of the rot that has set in.

Each relationship I held removed a part of my soul it seemed, draining me. Removing parts of my once vibrant self. Poor decisions in the people I surrounded myself with left me with lower and lower self esteem. I was insulted daily, made to self doubt, to dislike myself.

I sank lower and lower into myself. The sarcastic banter had remained, but the carefree optimism gave way to cynical pessimism. No longer was the glass half full, it was half empty. The clouds no longer had a silver lining. There was only the looming black cloud that seemed to follow where ever I went, shadowing whatever I did.

The once confident woman I was, that commanded every room I entered with prowess and dignity, now shrouded in self-consciousness. Who once felt that all eyes were upon me, now sees all eyes only on the young 20 something’s, fresh from college, their perfectly made-up faces and coiffed hair just so, their bodies tanned and nails manicured because they can be. Who wants to look at the older model, stretch marked and squishy, life riddled with more baggage than all of Samsonite?

Dating doesn't just become increasingly difficult it becomes impossible. The few and far between are more an audition, an interview. A pass/fail system as opposed to the once romantic ideals of wine and roses you had known in your younger days.

More and more people you know are settled into relationships, marriage. They may not be perfect, they may not be entirely happy all the time, but they are not alone. You are just reminded by it all of how alone you are.

That once desirable sexual creature you used to be, is extinct. Those encounters, those pseudo passionate romps that made you feel wanted, made you feel sexy once upon a time now leave you feeling horrid. Like a dishrag, used for one messy purpose and then cast aside and forgotten. Leave you longing for more, believing you deserve more. But when does it come?

Years go by, days, hours, minutes. Things around you change. Every step you try to take forward, you feel knocked down 3 more. Family, friends, health, finances, personal struggles all taking their toll, all happening at once. Set back after set back. People reminding you that it could be worse....true yet it could, but people don't know the whole truth about how bad things really are. People have only scratched the surface.

I used to believe in Happily-Ever-After.......and then reality happened. Now I know better.