Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dysfunctional Function

There is nothing like a wedding to make you realize you are alone and completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships.

I sat Saturday amongst people who on the outside appear to be my friends, people I have known for most of my life. Gone to grade school with, high school. Seen them all get married, one by one. The last pairing just engaged and waiting until they finish school to get married. I sat among the couples and have never felt more isolated in my life.

They talked of their weddings naturally, because of course being at another wedding made them reminisce of what they did for theirs. Talks of honeymoons and miscellaneous romantic getaways they have since taken. Couples talk, that I of course couldn't jump into, so I just sat and sought salvation in my Malibu and Diet, hoping that the hours would just fly by, which of course they didn't.

They would talk of their houses, their hours of yard work together and weekend trips to the Home Depot, like I was watching some modernized version of Ozzie and Harriet, come to life before my very eyes, here in the new millennium.

Then of course once they got to talk about children I had something to chime in here and there about, but I was barely paid attention to. My single-motherhood was no match for daddy-diaper duty and the tag-teamed parenting stories of the "new" mothers in the group. I couldn't relate anymore, I had a kid not a baby. What did I know?

Trip after trip to the thankfully open bar, and still I felt shunned. Never more uncomfortable in a setting, supposedly by those I know the best and have known the longest. My only salvation were those I had once been adopted by in college, a college I didn't even go to. My pseudo-sorority sisters who lovingly took me in, shoes kicked off and danced the night away, leaving their husbands, and thankfully all talk of them over at the bar discussing lord knows what.

I never thought at 30 years old I would be the unmarried one, well maybe unmarried, but not the single one. I never thought I would be envious of the white picket fences and trips to Home Depot. I'm not exactly overly-domestic, but I want that life, that stability, the love, the happiness.

How has it all evaded me? What did I miss? Do wrong? I used to be able to find love...well find men who loved me anyway. I never had fear of the opposite sex or what they thought of me. I never had a self-conscious bone in my body. What happened?

While packing my things to move I found boxes of things from old boyfriends. Letters, dried flowers, balloons, pictures, poems. I used to be sought after. I was once devoted to. And none of that worked out. I would hit that one year bench-mark and hit the road. They weren't Mr. Right, but they were Mr. Right Now, at least they were then.

And again on Saturday, at another wedding, I get to do it all over. Most likely seated with the same couples. Dateless and alone. Listening to how they spent Labor Day weekend weeding their gardens in their happily mortgaged homes, off to home improvement stores with their spouses in tow. What trips to the Cape they took, or vacations they are planning.

I get to sit and tune it all out. Sit and try not to cry again, as I did this past wedding, while I am reminded for hours, that ‘til death, I am alone.
Another dysfunctional function.


  1. That's so sad Apryl - I'm sorry and i completely empathize. I know exactly how that feels. I spent my whole 20's alone, basically.

    I just did my best to reprogram my thoughts to be happy for others and know that those things will and are coming to me as well. I built up a very strong faith in myself to believe that i deserved those things also. YOU DO TO!

    I also read S-LOADS of relationship books... I still do today.

    Things will get better, but you have to believe in that! Take Care!

  2. youre not alone. you are beautiful and clever and wonderful and we love you.

    that said, i couldve written this myself. i feel the same way


  3. You know, I've attended more than my fair share of weddings alone and been in the same boat. It sucks. This is why I usually get drunk and then start overcompensating about how great it is to be single because I'm not tied down to one man or one place. This, of course, has led most of my friends to believe that I am some jet setting city girl, when in reality, I spent last night watching Glee and eating a polish sausage. However, this strategy might make those horrible weddings more bearable. :)

  4. A great blog. I will add this and be back. You are a very beautiful lady. All the best.

  5. I have alot to say...but I won't say it here. We will have a wine night in 2.5 weeks and we'll chat..Keep your head up woman. I love you!!Xo

  6. Hi Apryl,

    I have been reading your blog, which is quite compelling. The old say applies, what does not kill you makes you stronger. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for! Come and read and follow my blog: http://www.jonathanbrock.blogspot.com
    Best and foundest wishes!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Last I checked the blog was writen about what I felt about being single at a wedding and didn't once mention anyone doing anything for me....weird if someone's conscience is in a titter...


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