Monday, September 28, 2009

The Emotional Ride

Friday night was an emotional ride for me, stemming from what should have been a celebratory evening yet turning somewhat argumentatative. Transformed into a night of revelations to myself, to others; whether they, or more over I wanted to realize them. The floodgates opened and a plethora of emotions came gushing out, and once it started, they couldn't stop. Tears flowed over and over for hours, and thoughts of how I got to this point echoed in my mind.

With such outpouring comes two things; Relief and epiphany. It's sometimes good to have those gut wrenching arguments. Those scream until your insides hurt feelings. At yourself, at others. But those getting-it-all-out in the open kind of arguments also make you feel like your brain has thrown up, like your head is about to spontaneously combust, and you will become the Headless Horseman, and the rest of the world Ichabod Crane.

It's cathartic. You cry until you can't catch your breath, and after, tears stream silently, almost like a river, turning into a creek, until slowly it just sort of dries up and you find you can't figure out where it started from.

You become emotionally and physically exhausted. The next day wake up with eyes like softballs, and feel hung over, although likely hadn't a drop to drink. And you do what comes naturally. You get up, put your big girl pants on, and go about your day. Why? Because that 5 year old little man in the other room (in my case) who's expecting a birthday party the next day needs to have a spectacular weekend, and let's face it, you need the distraction. You're forced by reality to move on.

So you shop. Grocery stores, Target, Wal-mart, iParty, the lot of them. Traveling hither and yon to make sure someone else has a great day. And you find throughout it all, you are having a good day. You are laughing, you are planning, you are taking this day as it is, planning only one day ahead. What a novel idea.

Maybe that's the key to it all. You vent out what you can about how much things suck and get you down, and boy do they ever, but then you realize you can't hold on to them forever. The weight just buries you until you are so far gone you no longer recognize yourself, and soon no one else does either. You are a shell of yourself. And that's how I have been for so long, I forgot how to be anything else.

I need to worry about tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. I need to stop worrying what someone could do hypothetically based on what other people have done. I recognize that. I do. I also know this is easier said than done. I have not let others in because of what I've gone through, not let anyone know who I am really, and definitely not them know my son.

I have unknowingly punished the innocent, so to speak. Shunned an entire society of people before given ample chance, based solely on "what ifs". And where has that gotten me? More alone and more isolated, and obviously more callous, cynical and bitter, thus started the whole vicious cycle yet again. The perpetual Blame Game.

Thinking too far ahead on negative probabilities. They could hurt me, moreover hurt my son so why bother? They will likely cheat, lie, steal or all over be a pompous ass as the past lot have turned out to be so why be charmed by the supposed "good guy act" now? Why let myself or my son get attached to someone who isn't going to be around forever anyway?

I can't hide forever, like Sleeping Beauty, hidden away in the woods, hoping that would solve all the problems of the world. Keep me safe, my son safe. She got screwed anyway didn't she? No curse is avoidable, she still found that spinning wheel, got pricked by it in her dazed curiosity. But it all worked out in the end in that story, so maybe if I try, slowly but surely it will for me too?

I'm not turning into Captain Optimistic here or anything, but there's no shame in trying right?

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