Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I used to believe in Happily-Ever-After. I was once a bushy-tailed, bright-eyed optimist. Glass half full, every cloud has a silver lining, look on the bright side of life kind of person.

Shocking I know.

I once dreamed whole heartedly of the places I'd go, the things I would do, what goals I would accomplish. Not in a what-if manner, no. I had every intention of making things happen. I was a go-getter. A fast-talking, quick paced, spirited gal who had the world on a string and was sitting on a rainbow (thanks Frankie).

I envisioned that someday my Prince would come, not so much led by horse-drawn chariot, but he would be there nonetheless. Meeting me at the end of an aisle, accompanied by music, surrounded by loved ones and draped all in white on the arm of my father, beaming with pride and eyes glistening with tears of happiness.

And then it all changed. You would think like a shattering glass it had landed and spread cutting and dangerous, you had to watch every step, but no. It was far more subtle. Slowly it died like flowers wilting, losing all signs of the life it once held until it petrifies. Devoid of the brilliant colors it once held, the faint aromas once so pleasant replaced with the pungent stench of the rot that has set in.

Each relationship I held removed a part of my soul it seemed, draining me. Removing parts of my once vibrant self. Poor decisions in the people I surrounded myself with left me with lower and lower self esteem. I was insulted daily, made to self doubt, to dislike myself.

I sank lower and lower into myself. The sarcastic banter had remained, but the carefree optimism gave way to cynical pessimism. No longer was the glass half full, it was half empty. The clouds no longer had a silver lining. There was only the looming black cloud that seemed to follow where ever I went, shadowing whatever I did.

The once confident woman I was, that commanded every room I entered with prowess and dignity, now shrouded in self-consciousness. Who once felt that all eyes were upon me, now sees all eyes only on the young 20 something’s, fresh from college, their perfectly made-up faces and coiffed hair just so, their bodies tanned and nails manicured because they can be. Who wants to look at the older model, stretch marked and squishy, life riddled with more baggage than all of Samsonite?

Dating doesn't just become increasingly difficult it becomes impossible. The few and far between are more an audition, an interview. A pass/fail system as opposed to the once romantic ideals of wine and roses you had known in your younger days.

More and more people you know are settled into relationships, marriage. They may not be perfect, they may not be entirely happy all the time, but they are not alone. You are just reminded by it all of how alone you are.

That once desirable sexual creature you used to be, is extinct. Those encounters, those pseudo passionate romps that made you feel wanted, made you feel sexy once upon a time now leave you feeling horrid. Like a dishrag, used for one messy purpose and then cast aside and forgotten. Leave you longing for more, believing you deserve more. But when does it come?

Years go by, days, hours, minutes. Things around you change. Every step you try to take forward, you feel knocked down 3 more. Family, friends, health, finances, personal struggles all taking their toll, all happening at once. Set back after set back. People reminding you that it could be worse....true yet it could, but people don't know the whole truth about how bad things really are. People have only scratched the surface.

I used to believe in Happily-Ever-After.......and then reality happened. Now I know better.

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