Monday, August 31, 2009

Fallen by the Wayside

I don't know what it is about me in particular, but I suppose I have been pegged an easy target over the years. Fodder for comedy, the butt of the joke. Made to feel forever inferior no matter what I accomplish, not matter how hard I try.

When things go wrong for me, they don't just go slightly askew, the entire world shifts on its axis creating chaos and loss of gravity. I don't know which way is up or how to get my feet back on the ground. It happens all at once, like a giant bucket above an invisible doorway is filled with problems and I am the unlucky sap who happens through that very moment, sending them showering upon me, monsoon like until it feels like I'm drowning.

It could start off as mundane as they come, a hangnail maybe, a paper cut. Some everyday nuisance that sends off a domino effect that will then snowball into the avalanche of tragedies that are to soon follow and envelope my entire existence for how ever long I am sentenced to the punishment.

Nothing always so simple. From the outside looking in, those who know nothing of my life, nothing of these trials and tribulations scoff. Tell me to change the way things are. As if I wouldn't if I could! Oh for things to be different I would rejoice! I would dance the streets if it were that simple.

There are things in life you cannot control. The past actions of others, certain matters that affect your health, your family. Death. Certain stresses that are unavoidable. Building, like a prison, block by block over you until you are suffocated. Completely consumed by it all. And then just when you feel like all you need is a friend, that one tried and true source of comfort and familiarity, you open your heart...your voice....and nothing. They are gone.

You are forced yet into a harsher reality; that you are alone. More alone than you had previously realized because backs have been turned. Insults have been uttered, your thoughts, your feelings, your insecurities all fallen by the wayside. You stand, shivering in the shadows of your own solitude.

Never once had you turned your back in times of others needs, even when your own life had been in ruins, never once had you been biting, insulting, harsh. Never once had you needed to be reminded to help a friend in need, a family member when called upon. They needn't have asked, you offered.

Why then do I suddenly feel like I have nothing left? That it had all been so shallow? Hollow, like a movie facade...not what it actually seemed? Had I imagined it all? Had it been a dream? Now replaced with the fitful tossing and turning of sleeplessness?

And yet those who know nothing, chime in. Speaking cantankerously as though they know. As if they'd been there all along, when in fact they know nothing. The ones who do lay dormant, silent. Offering shallow words of advice, tattered clich├ęs. Nothing substantial. Nothing that helps.

And in the irony of it all, nothing that changes anything.

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