Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I used to be invincible

I used to be invincible.

At least, I thought I was. I was a woman with a purpose, a passion, a power. A natural prowess that commanded every room I dared to enter. I had no fear, I had no shame. Why should I have? I was cool, calm and collected. I was rebellious and reserved. Mysterious and out there. I was an enigma.

I had confidence in everything I did. I got what I wanted. The job? Yes. My dream job? Not at the time, but it let me sleep late and stay out into the wee hours. The men? Oh the men. I would see the ones I wanted, saunter to them with an arrogant air about me and just talk to them all. If they were single it was fair game. If they weren't? Well, a girlfriend was a obstacle, not a wall.

I never thought poorly of myself. I would surround myself with my circle of friends. Several circles. Broadening my horizons. Forever meeting people, for I was never shy. Was I the prettiest in my eyes? Not entirely, but I did alright for myself. I oozed sex appeal. I had it all. I was happy...once.

Sure I had a lot of ex boyfriends, but in hindsight, it wasn't so bad. They weren't all dysfunctional relationships. They ran their courses. They were lessons learned. Growth experiences. We laughed, we cried. We got over it.

A decade later I stare into the mirror and try to remember that girl. I think of those memories they seem more like a movie I once saw than my own life. I long to remember that confidence. I long to remember that carefree gal with the come-hither glare who made men weak in the knees.

The relationships of latter years weren't growth experiences, they were harsh and often brutal. Full of verbal and mental abuse. Insults and degradations. Tears more than laughter. There was distrust and cheating, lies and hidden drug use. Having the sins of former girlfriends taken out on me over and over again.

And I, once invincible, was starting to disappear.

I felt myself slipping away. A shell of me still shown on the outside, maybe. Inside that confident stride had been broken. I used to look at myself with pride. Now with disgust. What once was a body I was proud of, ravaged by childbirth and age. Hidden now not only by clothing, but sarcasm and self loathing.

Friendships have changed, suffered or ended. The world around me has paired off and moved on, and I feel even more alone. I immerse myself in solidarity, even when I'm surrounded by people. I smile and nod and play the game. Yet wonder why everyone else has found happiness but me.

What happened to that carefree person who had it all? Where did she go? I feel so powerless to the feelings of self consciousness that overtake me. Of not being good enough, or smart enough anymore. I used to feel I had to all. And now...I just don't know anymore.

I would give anything to go back, to go back in time and bring MYSELF back. The old me. The me who would stand up to myself and snap me out of this. Encourage me to go one. Get stronger. People try to tell me all the time how string I am, and I'm not. I've gotten by on dumb luck and fear. And I don't know how much longer that threadbare kind of existence will hold on before it breaks.

I used to be invincible.....


  1. You have to let go of who you WERE to become who you ARE. Everyone goes through this, and we all change. You can't forever be the person you were when you were 20.

    You've grown, become wiser, and a little jaded. It's ok.

    Let go of the past, to see what your future holds for you.

    Keep your head up, I'm here for ya. Xo

  2. i agree with steph. there is no moving backward so choose to embrace who you are becoming and make it good! That is up to you!

    you are in control!

    Best Wishes!


  3. This post is sooo good, insanely honest and heartfelt. I know exactly what you are writing about... that feeling of being beat down beyond submission, a shell of my former self, not knowing how to regain my once-vivacious, carefree self.



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