Monday, September 21, 2009

Turn the Dial, Change the Channel...

I'm Tired. Tired of waking up each day feeling like I'm living in a non-80's version of Bill Murray's "Groundhog's Day". Every day is the same. Rolling into each other, repeating over and over, like an old vinyl record skipping over the same boring riff of a mundane song.

Get up, get dressed. Get child up, get him dressed. Argue with child over t-shirt not having preferred member of Autobot/Decepticon character on said t-shirt. Win argument by threatening to slice t-shirt with scissors. Get kid in car, drive to school, then to work. Plunge through day. Rinse, repeat.

Every time I get into my car, I turn on the radio and it seems like it all begins again. Same song, same banter by morning radio DJ's. Bumper to bumper traffic all caused by people's inability to drive in a rush to get to their 9-5 existences. Whoop-dee-freakin-doo.

I'm exhausted by it all. Mentally, emotionally. By the lack of life in my life. I have nothing to look forward too, not really. There are little ripples in my small pond sure. Tiny momentous occasions, but they are all happening to someone else. All celebratory and grand to those they are going on for, and I am truly happy for them, but after all is said and done, they will have affected my life only in the most minimal of ways. A memory, soon to be faint and distant in my mind. Monday will come and it will be Groundhog's Day again.

There is nothing for me in any of it. Nothing that causes butterflies in my stomach. Nothing that makes me stay up at night with giddy anticipation. I don't get a mental countdown of weeks, days, hours or minutes until some momentous occasion I have been looking forward to. No dates to remember. No party, no surprises. No calendars marked with circles or hearts or X's. No joy.

Perhaps it makes me sound selfish, but that’s not exactly the case. I am just tired of the same old same old. I am tired of the same cheesy lines and same dateless weekends. The awful attempts at flirtation that end up as poor attempts at booty calls. Tired of the way things have been the last few years.

I'm tired of the lack of effort. Or maybe of too much effort. Of not trying hard enough or maybe trying too hard. Tired of not caring or caring too much. Tired of being my own oxymoron. Too many days of wasting make-up.

Maybe its not always the world around me, maybe it is. Maybe its both, who can be sure. All I know is that it is draining to over think it all the time. And I know that I do. Making complexities out of the simplest situations because time and time again repetition rears its ugly head. It may not have been the same, but it could have been, and you're not willing to take that chance.

I told you it was exhausting...

Over and over, the song remains the same. The characters change, yet the story line seems eerily familiar. I can't escape it and I can't figure out why. Like I am a magnet for those who suck the life out of me, not just in lovers, but friends, acquaintances, etc. I become nothing more than the carpet they walk all over most of the time.

It used to be different....once. Never boring, exciting and new. Always fun and entertaining. I was wanted and indifferent. I never cared what they thought, who they were. Now I do, why? How did I get here? From not being afraid to take chances to being so afraid to repeat the same mistakes?

Probably because I have so many times. Much easier to live the same boring day over and over again than to risk the hurt I suppose....

Now, how do I change this stupid channel?

1 comment:

  1. I don't know if you're a Buffy fan, but that show has always given me something i can relate to. your post reminds me of a certain musical episode you may have heard of called 'once more with feeling'. i can't post the link to the song i'm thinking of here so i put it on my blog as it describes my life's experience on any given day.

    it does get least for Buffy it did :)


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