Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A Tumultuous Year and Resolute Horseshit
2009 is on its deathbed. It's hooked up to life support and winding down its final days, hours and minutes until it will cast its last breath and be over with in time. Not only ending a year, bringing on the first decade completion of the New Millennium.
And what a tumultuous year it's been.
I found myself still reeling with the damages the tail-end of 2008 left for my poor son and fighting court battles and restraining orders against his father.
I lost my job for 5 months and had to figure out how to survive, cashing out my 401K, which let's face it had next to nothing in it, and try to stretch it to keep a roof over our heads.
I got to deal with Governmental state agencies; Food Stamps, Unemployment and thanks to my son's father DCF.
I went from being in a relationship, to being cheated on and single in an instant. To then a few meager months later finding out he is now engaged to the adulteress whore, making me yet again wonder about my own misgivings. And the realization that I am Chuck and every ex I have is either married to or still with whomever they dated directly after me…with the exception of maybe less than 1% who happened to be let’s just say un-dateable in general and how I ended up with them will forever remain a mystery my family will continue to throw in my face until I die.
I moved. Not only my home of the last 3 years, by my office as well (since I thankfully got my job back...even if I'm technically still a "temp").
I lost an Uncle, a dear sweet and funny man who I loved very much less than a week after my birthday very suddenly, but he died doing what he loved. One minute laughing with his wife of 50 years on a boat with friends, the next minute, on the bow, dying of a heart attack.
I lost a friend. A tragic accident that left his wife and 3 kids struggling for answers and an entire community pulling together trying to figure out why. An officer, a soldier. A true American Hero.
Friendships changed or ended. Friends I had known forever gone and ones I have known a short time stepped up and were there when I needed a shoulder, a hand. The ones I least expected were the ones who helped me most, while the ones I thought I could count on until the day I died let me down harder than I thought I could ever fall.
My health as always an issue, since for some reason I look the part of my 30 year old female self (ok so I like to think younger....) but on the inside I resemble that of a 65 year old man. I got diagnosed with asthma. Solidified my heart condition, tore and herniated discs in my spine 3 times.
And that's just 2009.
When I think that a decade has past, it's mind boggling. That in the past 10 years, I got my driver's license (late bloomer yes I know), that I remember people freaking out over Y2K and potential banking disasters. I remember where I was September 11 when the entire world changed in an instant when terrorists took of from my city and changed another's skyline forever. I remember my best friend getting diagnosed with cancer at 27. The birth of my son, the best thing that ever happened to me; that made me a weaker and stronger person both at the same time. That I lost my Noni, my Papa, and then my father...
And so they say that New Years are supposed to be about resolutions, and about change. I think it's all crap. Idealistic and romanticized horseshit.
You get all amped up for a "new" year. "This" is my year! "This" is the one, the one to change it all! And then nothing changes. If anything it either stays the same or it gets worse. Sure there may be moments, ones you remember, good moments, but everything supposedly has those. (I mean I'm still waiting, but that's what they say)
So in order to keep with placated and ridiculous traditions, I will pretend to be resolute.
I will try to be less cynical and jaded in 2010. I doubt this will happen as people have a tendency to keep proving me correct that they are all assholes, so thus my theories that "People Suck" seem to be pretty right on, but for the sake of argument and resolution sake, we'll put it out there. You know, for shits and giggles.
I will try to make my body have an invisible bubble around it and try to stay out of hospitals/doctors’ offices as much as humanly possible in 2010. Now granted, I realize that this I likely have less control over, since I am pretty convinced my body is out to get me, but I will listen to those fabulous M.D.'s and follow directions and try not to slip, fall or trip on any objects that may reinjure anything that may already be screwed up.
I will try to be less vehicularly retarded in 2010. Ok, those of you who know me, know I'm lucky I can pump my own gas. My check engine light has been on for 6 months, I have a whopping red "Rejection" sticker taunting me on the front windshield of my car and I perpetually forget to have my oil checked. Yeah I know, I am the devil (you men are glaring at me with laser beams in your eyes I can feel it). I also partially blame the Evil Vortex that kills ever car I come into contact with in my driveway, but seeing as I have moved and the Fucus has been around a miraculous 2 years (a new record!) I will try to behave.
I will try to be less digestively pyrotechnic in public places when partaking in the consumption of adult beverages in 2010. Now, I give cause here because this does not happen often...in fact very infrequent, however since the last time was a mere 2 weeks ago and I was essentially carried out of said bar by my cousin and some friends after thinking at 30 that Scorpion Bowl races on an empty stomach were a good idea...
I will try to be more content with what I have in 2010. I say content because let's face it, none of us are ever actually happy because we can always do better, but content is an acceptable goal for me. I have come a long way and I have done it by myself. I have lost a lot and ended up learning more about myself and finding out who my true support system was and if anyone else comes into my life, they can take it or leave it because it is what it is.
I will try to do better to get myself in a better financial situation on my own in 2010. I haven't gotten child support in over a year, and it was pretty sporadic before that and I am pretty sure at this point my son's father owes me about $14,000 according to the State. I have my own messes to clean up sure, but I have current bills to pay and a 5 year old mouth to feed and I never want him to know there was ever a struggle in his life. He's been through enough. I work full time and I try to do my Mary Kay, which isn’t cutting the mustard, so looks like a part time job will be in order, but I will do what I have to do if that's what it takes.
I will try to lose 20 pounds and have abs of steel before 2010 is over. Yeah this one is never happening but I figure you have to put in that whole I will lose weight and get in shape resolution in there to complete the cliché or it just wouldn't count.