Friday, December 18, 2009

We Drink 'Til You're Cute...Too

In lieu of a brilliant ranting post of my own, I am going to help educate you fella's out there with a little help from Esquire Magazine and some uber savvy famous ladies on the Do's and Don'ts on how to deal with us and the goings on in our oh-so-complex little minds.

Now granted, I may not agree or disagree with 100% of what these fabulous ladies have to say, but I found it humorous nonetheless.

You're welcome.

1. Christina Applegate
"Call us back right away. That 'three day' business does not apply. We're getting older, and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one."
"Guys who go to Hooters to watch the game are usually the same guys who go to lunch at strip clubs for the free chicken-fried steak. Don't be one of those guys."

2. Courtney Cox
"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it."
"Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land."

3. Padma Lakshmi
"Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates."
"Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private."

4. Alyssa Milano
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy."
"Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn."

5. Poppy Montgomery
"When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always."

6. Tea Leoni
"Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you."

7. Mariska Hargitay
"We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything, be it a black tie [event] or a basketball game. When it takes longer than that... what are you doing in there?"
"We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish."

8. Emily Deschanel
"Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' -- or that's exactly what we'll become."
"If you think we like the word panties, you've been watching too much porn."
"Ditto titty and moist."

9. Jenna Fischer
"If we run into your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble."
"If you can locate the following items in our home — tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments — you will get laid."

10. Julie Delpy
"We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don't always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you'd like to discuss it further, just leave a message."
"A serious scientific study has proven that women think 50 percent more than men, and 90 percent of that extra 50 percent is spent thinking about sex."

11. Maria Bello
"We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models."
"You aren't the only one who thinks that two women having sex is hot. If we haven't tried it, most of us have at least imagined what it would be like to kiss a pair of shiny red lips."

12. Kyra Sedgwick
"Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your friends."

13.Jane Krakowski
"When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times."
"You shouldn't pass up a three-way because you 'love us too much.'"
"No, we didn't see last week's Battlestar Galactica."

14. Sarah Silverman
"We go to the bathroom together because we're doing coke."
"We want to cuddle after sex because we're fucking freezing."

15. Kathryn Hahn
"The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack."
"I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 P.M., he's going to put it in me... Actually, that sounds kind of sexy."

16. Leslie Mann
"The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-for-brains without repercussions. Now we all benefit."
"We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and joie de vivre."

17.Connie Britton
"We want dessert. We want you to order dessert. What we don't want is for you to ask us if we want dessert."
"If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed."

18. Kerry Washington
"How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux."
"Then again, looking good in a tux can turn a nice girl into a porn star."

19. Melora Hardin
"We know men think breasts are like Barstow: just a short stop on the way to Vegas. But sometimes lingering a little longer at the places along the way can make for a more pleasant trip."
"We'd much rather try on bras than see them on surgically altered, airbrushed supermodels, but we know how much you enjoy the Victoria's Secret catalog. Consider it a gift."

20. Carmen Electra
"When we say, 'I don't like to play games,' it's because we are very experienced at playing games."
"When we ask which outfit we should wear, humor us with an answer — just pick one already! — but expect us to go with the one you didn't choose."

21. Maria Bartiromo
"Otis Redding said it perfectly: Try a little tenderness."
"Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman."

22. Jennifer Love Hewitt
"PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It's a great excuse."
"We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?"

23. Parker Posey
"Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchiness, and I find that insulting!"
"Compulsive hair playing equals great, unbridled passion, but not necessarily directed toward you or toward anyone in particular. In my latest book, The Secret Language of Hair, I attempt to bridge the communication gap between hair gesture and meaning."

24. Samantha Mathis
"Asking for directions is a really big turn-on."

25. Cheryl Hines
"All women love to be referred to as 'm'lady.' As in, 'Would you like another beer, m'lady?'"
"All women like getting paid for sex."
"Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever, m'lady.'"

26. Kim Cattrall
"Women are interested in A-list things: A designers, A vacations, A orgasms."
"Wait, let me rephrase that so there's no confusion: multiple orgasms."

27. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
"Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We're not stupid."
"No, that is not our clitoris, but please — keep trying."
"If you're funny, we will sleep with you."

28. Ashley Jensen
"When we fall asleep before the end of the film, it's because we are happy and relaxed, not because we're bored of Live Free or Die Hard."
"Want to spot a genuine blond? Count her hairs. Blonds have around 140,000 hairs, brunettes 110,000, and redheads only 90,000."
"Many blond women also have blond eyelashes. That might be easier."

29. Sanaa Lathan
"Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog."

30. SuChin Pak
"Yes, we would sleep with your best friend."
"If you won't hold our hands in public, we won't blow you in private."

31. Saira Mohan
"Eye contact should last exactly 0.28 seconds. The quickest glance is the most effective. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse."
"Pick the weirdest part of our body and compliment it. The left elbow, the forehead, shins. Just be creative."

32. Faith Salie
"Women don't take forever to pee. It's other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another's boobs."

33. Andrea Savage
"We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would."
"We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it."

34. Judy Greer
"We drink till you're cute, too."
"We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency."

35. Mindy Kaling
"Quit Facebook. If I'm standing next to you, and you're checking to see if you have any vampire bites from girls you went to camp with, something's wrong."
"If you defend a girl as 'really smart when you get to know her,' she is dumb. What you mean is, she's 'really smart for a smokin'-hot girl who is stupid.'"
"Women love sex tapes. Not porn — sex tapes, because scandal is titillating. If you want to trick us into watching porn, tell us the girl in it is famous and we just haven't heard of her yet."

36. Wanda Sykes
"The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit."
"Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years."
"The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit."

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