Thursday, September 23, 2010

Appreciation and My Mortarboard Future

Have you ever thought about how much you appreciate a person?

I mean truly appreciate. Be grateful for. Wonder how the hell you would be able to function without them?

Yeah. I'm there.

I mean of course you naturally appreciate your family. People like your parents who are there for you through thick and thin no matter what because, well they made you. They love you unconditionally because that's what parents do of course. (Well most parents anyway, there are the few exceptions of people who don't deserve to have a uterus and those who are pretty much destined to only be sperm donors, but you know what I mean.)

And you generally appreciate your friends. The ones who stand by you and support you. Hold your hair when you're drunk, listen to you cry over boys, gossip over the latest episodes of whatever TV shows you're obsessed with. Through the years the faces may change sometimes, but the good ones, they stick around.

Obviously I appreciate my son. That he's quirky and funny and makes me smile most of the time. That he's smart and sarcastic at age 6 and has made me become a person I don't know if I would be if he hadn't been born. I love him more than life.

But, right now, my vast appreciation award is going to the boyfriend. To the one person who has steadily been my best friend and partner in crime for over four years.

The amount of support that I get from that man astounds me. I get the kick in the ass (lovingly of course) when I need to stop procrastinating. He helps me see things differently sometimes. Those times I am closeted by my own fear of change or the unknown. He shows me the possible light at the end of that tunnel.

If I am overwhelmed or distraught, he is there to calm me down, to say "It will be ok". He is the rational voice that pops up in my head when I am hanging from the rafters and need to take my estrogen level down a few notches.

I have been for the past few years wanted to go back to school. Since not finishing the 2 classes I have remaining to obtain my Associates Degree I have wanted to go back. Life got in the way. I had work and bills and then Dylan and no time.

I came up with a plethora of excuses why I couldn't. I had no one to watch my son, I had no time to go, the classes started before I even got out of work for the night courses, etc.

Then within the last year, my Alma Mata started online courses. Well THAT would be something. So I half-assed looked into it then. It would cost close to $800 that I didn't have for 2 classes. Not to mention books and such. For 2 classes they didn't offer financial aid. I put the dream again on the back burner.

But in my head it's stewed. Stewed with a lot of other things I have been trying to do to better my life and the lives of those I love who are directly affected by what I do.

I started talking to someone to work out some things I have had festering for years. Random bouts of depression, the loss of my father, the anger I have pent up towards my son's father, being raped as a teenager. I am slowly becoming a whole person again and I have one person to thank for that.

Well two actually, because I also thank myself.

In all that self-realization, I still firmly want to go back to school. I have a new job that I love. I am happy. Yes HAPPY! I wanted to continue on the path of achieving the things I wanted. So I looked into school again.

I never thought I would ever know the kind of support I am given in this. That I am being encouraged to do something I have always wanted to do. That he would help me in any way he knew how through all of it.

Appreciation sometimes even seems like too little of a word for how I feel. Constantly amazed. More filled with emotion and happiness and love than I ever thought possible. That the sky really IS the limit.

So now I see it. My mortarboard future. My procession into a new chapter of my life. Finishing my degree and moving on to my Bachelors.

I am more than ready.

Thanks Babe.

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