Thursday, September 2, 2010
September Owes Me BIG
A month that for the past few years I have learned to dread.
Chalk full of anniversaries, some days to remember fondly, others I wish to forget.
Dylan's birthday is the 16th, my father died on the 10th, the whole disaster with Dylan's dad happened on the 5th.
A month when summer fades and cool temperatures settle in and slowly but surely try to ready us for the impending winter months.
As those certain days loom, I find myself full of mixed feelings.
First and foremost, I cannot believe my son is going to be 6 in 2 weeks. That 6 years have passed since I gave birth and my life forever changed. When I as a person went from singular to plural for the rest of my life.
It's hard to believe that he is such a little person now. No longer an infant or toddler. But a little person, a sarcastic, goofy kid. He knows what he likes now and is capable of (sort of) making his own decisions about things. He can do things without my help now for the most part and is becoming such an independent guy. Granted he's a whopping pain in the ass a handful of the time, but he's MY pain in the ass and I love him more than anything. Who knew?
Then the anniversary of my dad....
I cannot believe that next week will mark 4 years since my life was stopped in its tracks. That my entire world was forever altered and my support system, my rock was gone.
It still feels sometimes that it JUST happened. That he was just here and now he's gone. I find myself awash in memories so often, and I get both overjoyed and saddened at the same time that he had such a profound impact on my life and on everyone's life he ever came into contact with.
I smile when Dylan recalls "Papa in Heaven" and asks questions about him watching over him. As non-religious as I am, I am comforted by the very thought that it is possible. I talk to him myself, I ask for help and advice. I need him more and more as time goes on, even though I think I have done ok on my own. (Sometimes...)
And then there's the 5th...2 years ago.
"A day that will forever live in infamy..."
Life turned upside down, both for myself and my son. Chaos and dysfunction and heartache. Court dates and DSS visits and counseling. Restraining orders and perpetual anxiety. I still get sick to my stomach when I think about that day. I will forever loathe and despise the man that caused such pain for my child.
I cry, I get angry. I think about how anyone could do that to ANY child let alone their own....
Even numbered years. 2-4-6....
Every 2 years it seems to be something, something life changing. I'm 2 for 1 for them being horrendous. So far only one being the best thing that ever happened to me. I need another miracle, a good thing to help make this month memorable, in a positive way.
I think September owes me another good one. It owes me BIG.
It better get on that...