Tuesday, March 16, 2010

An Idiots Guide


Ok fella's, here's the deal. You've landed her, that elusive lady you've wanted. You tried, you tested and you made it past the point of no return so to speak.

However...

Should you like to keep her happy, the way you enjoy her a vast majority of the time I have some oh-so-happy tidbits for you. Some tasty nuggets for you to chew on. Help save everyone a boatload of aggravation, because let's face it, as cute as some of you are, common sense is not always on your forefront when it comes to some of the things you say and or do.

First things first, chances are you and the lady probably view things a little differently. This is normal, biological even. You are not supposed to understand it really. Like Einstein and Darwin you must have ridiculous IQ and let's face it, you are not quite schooled in the fine art of Estrogen, so this is where you just suck it up and learn to stop being a jackass and just deal with the fact you cannot talk your way through everything like a used car salesman without making matters worse and just let the poor girl have it. There will likely be less tears, less "Fine" one word answers, and a lot less of the cold shoulder.

Another thing. Most girls with any modicum of self-worth could give a rats ass about your ex girlfriends, however if they are still roaming around in the wings like a feral cat in an alley waiting for a piece of something to come their way, if you don't cut them off, you will likely get cut off. Just saying.

As for us, once we've been scorned by a fella, we generally want nothing to do with him...forever. We would usually like him hung someplace unpleasant by his toenails over a pit of boiling lava. SO your wanting them to go away, while seemingly fair in theory, is generally more baseless as we do not think with our testicles.

Girls get into their TV shows. Yes I understand with the invention of the DVR that recording now and watching later has become a habit or need for some people, but if we are home during said airing of show, we are going to watch said show...uninterrupted. This is not a punishable offense and we should not be penalized by an attitude or by mockery of "I can't believe you watch this crap". You likely watch something lame that will most definitely be cancelled before our show will be. You see, she who holds the estrogen also holds the majority marketing shares and buying household power. Companies are not stupid. You on the other hand, well the jury is still out.

We will never, ever hear the words "Do you really need another pair of shoes?" uttered. Ever. IN case words are uttered, rest assured several pairs will be purchased, likely with your money.

Facebook is the root of all evil. Everything on your page is fair game and up to interpretation. Warn idiotic friends ahead of time, or you could be in deep shit. Undated pictures of debauchery or comments that would be detrimental to said happy relationship should thus be cleared before moronic testosterone brigade posts them. If inappropriate posts made my someone with a vagina, prepare for World War III.

We never look like shit. Death could be knocking at our door, we may not have left bed in a week or showered in days, doesn't matter. You ever, ever utter anything that even sounds like you think we are not attractive to you, you will never hear the end of it. Until you're dead.

Text messaging can make or break you. A cute little hello? A quirky pick-me-up? Total make. A full-fledged argument that should take place either in person or on the phone? Break. Grow some balls will you? We want a man damnit. Communication is key, and let's face it half the time you don't say the right thing the right way, imagine how we take it when you type it...

And we may forgive, but we seldom forget, which in turn means you will never be made to be able to forget either. Remember that.

When all else fails, jewelry, flowers or some whole-hearted proof that you know you've been a jackass and that she is the most beautiful wonderful woman alive is likely the best course of action to redeem yourself.

Ahh, love...

4 comments:

  1. Nice! So completely accurate.

    ReplyDelete
  2. unfortunately, I fall o nthe side of forgiving if I've been scorned. Ugh... I tend to be the one who forgets HAHAHAHA... not a good thing. But, Ido agree about the ex girlfriend thing. I never had a problem with ex's until my ex says to me " you know, XXX has the same size boobs as you, but she's tinier than you" WOOOOOOOOOOW. And thus, whenever XXX was mentioned he couldn't quite understand WHY this might bother me.

    Idiot Stimpy...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I, too, tend to be the one who says Sorry first...figures!

    And yeah, I have the same ex problem too...I don't like hearing about the vacations y'all took, the things you bought them, the parties you went to...in the end I feel like the piece that's getting walked on!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well, no one had been worth it before. I got bamboozled!

    ReplyDelete

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