Monday, March 15, 2010
Maybe I've Been Lobotomized
It's a strange thing really. Amid monsoon like rain and wind, trees falling and gusts whipping things around, I the queen of gloom and doom feel oddly sunny.
Not much has changed really. Not in a drastic way. Circumstances are still what they are, and yet, I am yielded by a new found regard for optimism.
Who am I and what have you done with the real Apryl?!
It's almost like I have been lobotomized. Abducted by an alien life force and transformed. I still walk and talk like me. I still conduct myself in the same manner I always have, but I'm not entirely the same. Weird.
And it's a slight difference. Maybe only noticeable to myself really. The way I see or hear something and the sides of my mouth start to do this odd thing on their own. This mystical curling up on both sides. This odd glint in my eye, where did it come from?
Was it there before? I haven't the foggiest really. Maybe it was. Laying dormant, hidden beneath years of misery. Years of abuse and cynicism. Maybe it had been there all along, waiting for the right moment to arise to come to the surface. To rise above the muck and mire that has been the last few years as I knew them.
Or maybe I had to know those years to see it when it happened. Denial for so long gave way to something, maybe greater that I had anticipated.
Did I really say that out loud??
Again who am I?
Awash in mush and hopefulness. Thinking not of the next shoe to drop, but of the endless possibilities. Of the way my heart flutters in my chest, the way my stomach fills with anticipation. What IS this feeling??
How had it alluded me for so long that now I am totally engulfed by it? Completely consumed? Unknown to myself really. That closed offedness I had come to know so familiarly, now seems so distant.
It's comfortable yet new. Familiar, yet like exploring a new and wild world I have never seen or knew existed.
And dare I say it? Dare I admit it again out loud?
I think I might like it...