Monday, March 8, 2010
Melting Ice Caps and....Me?
When something has been the same for such a long time, and it suddenly changes, not necessarily for the worse, but just changes nonetheless, it's a strange transition.
You feel things differently, react to words or actions in a way you never thought possible before. Find yourself a different person in a way really. The same essentially, but skewed. Off your axis as this change, much like the Chilean earthquake has shifted you. Not enough to make a noticeable shift in course, but maybe a millisecond saved off the day as those overly paid NASA scientists have been so bold to point out.
And that millisecond, that tiny shift has changed everything drastically. Your once easy jaded perceptions you held onto so tightly, are loosening. You are susceptible to hurt again, and you hate it. Yet, you like the other things that go with it. Those silly things you have detested so long.
The mundane specialties of life. Simple yet memorable all the same. A look, a touch. A stupid comment or smell. Those Lloyd Dobler moments that are awkward yet pubescently romanticized.
You didn't ask for it, or expect it really. It sort of happened, like the gradual changes of the seasons. One day you just wake up and Winter had changed to Spring. You notice that the snow had melted and it's not longer cold and icy. Things are warmer, greener. The sun stays out a little longer each day and you feel, well happier.
Happier? How the EFF did that happen? You? Really? Was it possible? And more impossible was it had been there all along. Sort of. Hidden in plain sight. Your own mirrored image in testosterone. Your equal. The one person who had been your confidant, your partner in crime. The one you didn't think of "that way". Impossible.
And yet afraid a little. Change is a scary thing, even if slight. Even when all else is familial and you have not much else to learn. Because even though it's comfortable and easy, it's different now. There's that element that hadn't been there before. That vulnerability. That ability to hurt. Those feelings of mush that weren't there, those Rom-Com moments you secretly watched, silently hoping for behind closed doors. And they come, and they exist kind of.
You hear lyrics to things you've heard every day with new meaning. You hate yourself for becoming THAT girl. It's not you. You the callous one. The guarded heart. Safe in your own cynical bubble of mockery. You don't DO mush. What the hell is going on here?
Global Warming has the ice-caps melting...could it be melting me too?