Wednesday, May 26, 2010
What I Never Learned in Kindergarten
I'm just going to outright say it. Deep breathe...
I am completely unfulfilled.....by my job.
Whew what a load off!
Now of course, I get that in this economy I should be eternally grateful that after my layoff from my previously adored position that I got another job so quickly. And at first I was. But then you get settled in and start to see the whole bigger, less appealing picture than the one they show you from far away.
Like my favorite line from "Clueless", it's a "Full on Monet....from far away it looks ok but up close it's a total mess!"
On paper, I have it made, sort of. I mean, for all intensive purposes I am still technically employed through another agency and sort of a squatter here. Temping away until they decide to hire or fire me.
The litany of benefits offered to "real" employees seems phenomenal. Free college tuition to finish your degree, after 3 years free tuition for your child, health benefits, retirement, the whole normal package that comes with the adult territory. Decent hours so to speak.
Then there are the buts.
They lopped off $2 an hour from my previous job, so I am starting out at less money. THEN they took away 5 hours a week. Oh no folks, not your normal 40 hour work week here. 35...MAX. They force you to take an hour lunch, which in and of itself sounds great...but makes you lose an hour of pay a day and your 8 hour day gets slapped down to 7. When you're paid hourly, that's a bummer. PLUS I never take an hour. I eat at my desk usually, unless I need to go out to get something, and am generally all wrapped up within a half hour (and I blame my retail history for getting accustomed to such a shiesty lunch). Oh and you have to pay anywhere from $10-$18 a day to park.
That's right, you have to pay to come to work. What's that you say? Take public transit? Well that WOULD seem like a viable option, if it weren't more inconsistent and more money than driving. From where I live I would have to pay $7 to park at the subway station if I drive straight to it, pay $60 a month for a pass, and then deal with late trains, overcrowding, and being late every day. OR I could take the commuter train, a lovelier ride, but pay $4 to park, then the $150 a month for that pass, PLUS still need to connect the subway so the other pass being $60. Stellar.
Then there is dealing with the elements, and let's face it, once that harsh New England winter comes back, who wants to wait on a train platform in the freezing snow?
I get here, and am bored. I am apparently over qualified for this position, which a lab rat with a block of cheese would likely do just as well. I get several tasks to do, and finish them with ease and quickness, then sit around like a bump on a pickle useless for the majority of the day.
I am surrounded by other people who hate their job, which doesn't say much for the atmosphere let me tell you.
They seem more prioritized paying ridiculous sums of money to spruce up the offices than they do seeming to focus on the salaries or contentment of their staff.
I get that people drone on about their jobs, that they muster up the wherewithal to just suck it up and go every day, but I miss my old job.
I used to look forward to going to work. I loved the people I worked with, even the people in other offices. I was a part of a team there, I was good at what I did, and I was able to Do things. To work on charity functions with the United Way, to be a part of an archival project. I was inspired there.
And making more money was obviously a perk.
I find myself so tired. I am tired of being broke all the time. Of not being able to pay my bills on time, or sometimes at all, like a responsible adult. I hate feeling like a failure in my own life. Like there is so much more I am capable of or should be doing. I feel sometimes like a bad daughter, mother and girlfriend. That there should be more I am able to do.
Who knew that a dollar sign had the ability to take so much out of you? That we are ruled by the creditory mistakes of our past and destined to live hand-to-mouth week after week, wondering if you're going to make it.
Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten?