The Great American Freak Out

And so it goes.

So we last found me with a dead car. Thanks to my brother and his friend (and a lot of bitching, whining and crying on my part) my car is now functional. Starter had to be re-replaced apparently and some sort of belt thing-a-ma-whatzit had to be re-routed to somehow bypass my air conditioner, but alas, it runs.

Now mind you, my AC didn't work stellar last summer to begin with, so avoiding the thing to make it work at all doesn't sound like it would be too terrible of an idea, but I loathe driving on the highway or anywhere over say 40 miles an hour with the windows open. It's annoyingly loud. But I digress.

It functions enough to cart me now back and forth to my new job. Yup a new job. I rocked out the old unemployment route for exactly one week. Not exactly the vacation I was looking for, but let me tell you that one week was enough to offset my entire financial life and put me on the skids to the point I am a complete and utter anxiety ridden disaster.

I mean more so than normally.

Losing one week of pay has had such a catastrophic affect on my life. I had no idea. I thought when I left my old job that I would be ok, that I would be able to collect unemployment benefits and a lieu of other state aid and skate by. In theory.

And possibly that would have been true.

However.

Due to the amazing nature of my credentials and resume (yes I am totally patting myself on the back right now) I got a job without so much as an interview. I KNOW! Unheard of. They looked at my references, recommendations and resume and said, "When can you start? How about Tuesday?" And that's all she wrote.

SO even though I had filed unemployment and essentially took a couple dollar pay cut, I am back in the working world. And struggling immensely.

Dylan's school put me on this "Work Search" program in which I was given a 2 month pass from payment basically, BUT then due to a current balance I had, basically kicked him out of kindergarten for over a week until I was able to come up with $450. KICKED HIM OUT!! He was not allowed to go to school. That is devastating to a 5 year old.

THEN, the assholes call me yesterday and tell me that if I do not pay it by oh, the end of the DAY yesterday they are giving away his spot at the school and I will have to go back on a waiting list. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Yup.

So I sit and cry at my new desk in my cubicle and freak the fuck out. I have had ZERO income in weeks, and I don't know what to do. My bank account had already been negative so what was deposited from the first week of work was already less than what it should have been. Life is stellar.

Mom to the rescue....temporarily mind you, but she was able to cut me a check until I get another check so he could not lose his spot at school. Who does that? Stupid school.

So off he went this morning, off to his field trip to the Circus. Which thankfully he was super excited about and basically cried about every day when he didn't think he could go.

And I am still beyond screwed. After the whole car fixing debacle, I owe over $500 to my car loan by the 17 or I am defaulted on my loan. I owe my landlord my rent by the 15. I owe every other bill and utility I have to my name. All with nothing, no means.

I am ready to pull out my hair, my teeth and loose my mind.

I don't know what to do to catch up. My head spins when I think about it.

I have 2 weddings to do make-up for over the next few weeks and that should help a little. My boyfriend and my mother think another yard sale would be a great idea, since they believe I possess far too much crap. (I however do not think it's crap, I like my stuff, and am somehow obtaining more and more of it. PLUS I had a yard sale in the fall, sold stuff and made shit.)

My son's father owes me about $20,000 in back child support and if I could somehow tap into that resource I could be ok, but the likelihood of that happening is about as likely as getting abducted by aliens.

I know there are worse things in the world, that I should be grateful for what I have and blah blah blah, but I am neurotic by nature. I am freaking the fuck out. If I don't pay my car, it gets repossessed. If that happens, I can't get to work, if I can't get to work I lose my job, if I lose my job, I lose my income, if I get fired, I don't get unemployment, if I have no unemployment I can't pay anything, if I can't pay my rent, I get evicted, if I get evicted I become homeless.

My mind goes on and on these horrible "what if" scenarios and I freak myself out. I get anxiety ridden and I cry and cry. I try to listen to my level-headed boyfriend. He who tells me to take things one day at a time. That things could be worse. And I am not built like him. I wish I was. He has this amazing ability to look at adversity in the face and keep on trucking. I so wish I was more like him.

I am grateful for him, for my real friends and my family I am, but I still sometimes feel so alone in what I feel. Like I am lost in my mental incapacity to be an adult sometimes. I am a mom and a grown up and I can't function in society. It's sad. I am financially retarded. I can barely pump my own gas and will look at you like a deer in headlights if you try to talk to me about anything else vehicularly related.

So this is what I do. I sit and I freak out. Every day. Over and over again. In supposedly the greatest country on Earth. In the Land of Opportunity. I sit and wonder where MY oppotunites lie. When I will stop living paycheck-to-paycheck. When I can STOP avoiding private calls on my phone afraid some ominous debt collector is out to get me.

How the HELL have I survived 31 years?!