Working 5-9 is No Way to Make A Living, Wait What?

Ok, this this whole car accident recovery thing has me sucking major ass at this whole 30 day challenge thing.

It was supposed to be a way to have me on here every day, spilling my musical guts and sharing things about myself that I am sure not a single one of you actually give a real rats ass about . (I wonder who decided that giving a rats ass was an acceptable phrase and why the hell people say it every day? I digress)

So in an attempt to once again redeem myself, or at least catch up, I will enlighten you all on days 5-9. Yes 5-9! This is what happens when they give you medication for pain that pretty much turns you into Forest Gump. I HATE the way they make me feel, all I did was sleep for a week, living on ice packs (which one of my bosses thankfully just went and got me from our medical facility which is basically in Guam in our ginormous building...LOVE her) and heating pads and trying to recoup. (on the plus side I lost 6lbs for lack of appetite so I guess that goes in the WIN column)

(I walk like I have something shoved up my ass at the moment but that's all back pain and pinched nerves, I can assure you there has been no funny business up in my funny business)

So, here we go.

Day 5: A Song That Reminds You of Someone

Easy. My best friend growing up and I had several songs that pretty much highlighted our childhood, tween and teenage years, and then on. One song always stood out.

I mean, what other song more aptly dictates a couple of Caucasian suburbanite teenage girls addicted to roller skating? (We were bad-ass I tell you)



Yup. Thug life.

Day 6: A Song that Reminds You of Somewhere

Growing up I was lucky. No really, I'm not just saying that in the hopes my mom reads this and I gain oodles of credit (she so doesn't read this...I hope). We used to go camping every summer. We would take these Griswold-esque family adventures in a motor home. Yes, my entire dysfunctional family on the road in a tin can on wheels for hours, sometimes weeks at at time.

We went all over the place, usually breaking down at least once on the way, or 5 times. Tomato.

In any event, the classy RV that we had obviously had not only a CB, because my dad somehow deep down wanted to be a long haul trucker (HILARIOUS to see your little old man on a CB spouting off "breaker-breaker 1-9"), we had a cassette player. Like I said, we were hard core.

Among all of our travels, the one place we went summer after summer was thankfully only a few hours away in Old Orchard Beach Maine.

My dad had somehow gotten a hold of a cassette single I had for 4 Non Blondes and would play it on repeat the entire trip up. That's right anywhere from 2 1/2 hours to 4 hours depending on if it was a holiday weekend or not of this one song. Not only makes me think of him when I hear it, but about going to Maine.



Side note: Grunge was NEVER a good look, especially for the ladies.

Day 7: A Song That Reminds You of A Certain Event

There have been many events in my life. Obviously.

You don't reside on a planet for 32 (I still cringe saying that out loud) years and not have a bevy of momentous occasions. Most people by now would have a wedding song or some sort of smoozey thing to recall as their momentous song. Right.

Being as I haven't traveled that road, my most memorable song that connects to an event is from my Prom. That's right, a whopping 987 years ago.

We were awesome, I must say as a member of the Prom Committee. We didn't fall into the cheesy cliche's of the 90's with lame Richard Marx songs or some other Adult Contemporary hit that was supposed to make a whole gaggle of hormonal teenagers want to while away the night in the arms of their "true loves" (because you know that happens in high school...)

Nope, we went with a timeless classic.

Frankie.



Day 8: A Song You Know All the Words To

My mind is a musical library. I can't remember half of what I did last week (and not just because of being heavily medicated, I mean most weeks most of the time) but I will hear a song I haven't heard in eons and bust it out word for word. Just hearing the melody will jog some sort of robot like ability to store this information, which let's face it in the grand scheme of things is a completely useless skill. If only I could retain other things that way, Rocket Science may have been an actual option for me.

That being said, in all of my musical memory, the one song that comes on that I will belt out with gusto, that I will stop...collaborate and listen....yeah that's right. You know what's coming.



Word to your mother.

Day 9: A Song You Can Dance To

I will dance to anything. No really, I will chair dance in my seat, I will bust out obnoxious 80's leg holding knee thrusts anywhere, anytime.

I used to get into legit dance battles with a deaf guy who was a phenomenal hip-hop dancer at a place I used to frequent. Crowds gathered around us cheering and clapping and I was fricking awesome. No really. I danced most of my life.

My goal in life as a pre-teen was to be a Fly Gurl on In Living Colour. I realize now I clearly wasn't ghetto enough, but I took all the hip-hop and street dance classes the 90's had to offer. I was a cheerleader in high school and we used to do all the cool timed dance routines. Hell I could even do all the quirky popular line dances on roller skates (No one could out Tootsie Roll me with wheels on damnit)

So out of all the ones to choose, I will pick one that gets my booty shaking to new heights. I LOVE dancing to Spanish music. Me. Little Italian/Irish 5' nothing of me shaking my hips Shakira style and knocking the shit out of the dance floor. (NO idea what he's saying in this song, but I cannot sit still hearing this song, ever)



Plus, how can you go wrong with pleather pants??

Put It Back

I scream on the inside
put it back
put it back

I want to wind myself back in time
fix what's broken
fix what's wrong

Remember all that was good
that was great
that was love

Remember smiles
laughter
love

It's there I can feel it
I saw it
I know it

Inside I scream
put it back
put it back

Car Wreck and Day's 2-4

OK, so the reason for my slacking on days 2, 3 and 4 of this challenge was because on my way home from work on Monday I was in a car accident.

Some asshole ran a stop sign and hit me and then took off. I'm banged up, nothing broken, but my back, neck, knee, jaw and chest were all injured. The back is the worst of it. Have to do PT for a few weeks before they do an MRI to see how bad it is.

The jackass took off. Nailed my car and bolted. Who does that?! I was taken to the hospital by ambulance, my beautiful new care smashed to pieces. Not sure if it's totaled or not yet. I thought my bad luck with cars was over when I got a nice brand spanking new car, but apparently not.

So I've been knee deep in insurance red tape and police reports and mostly in bed on a heating pad and medicated. I hate the way they make me feel, but it stops the pain. So hopefully all will be OK soon and I will be back in the swing of my dysfunctional life.

So I will include the days of songs I am missing in this one post. You'll have to just deal with it.

Day 2: Your least favorite song.

Now there aren't too many songs that I loathe and despise per say, but there is a genre of music that too me just isn't music. It's that screaming into the microphone like you're having some sort of Satanic episode out of the Exorcist and you can't understand a word anyone is saying. To me that's not talent and how these idiots get famous is beyond me. I will find a random example



Seriously?!

Day 3: A song that makes you happy

You know those songs that just put you in a good mood? Make you want to just rock out in your car and act like a complete asshole. Volume up as far as it could go. You hear it and instantly want to dance and act like an idiot.

I have 2 songs that make me giggle like that and instantly make me feel like I should be happy.

This first one, I am not sure if it's because he sounds like a chick and it's a total throw back to some sort of modern Andy Gibb-esque BeeGee's dance number, or even the band name. But it makes me smile.


You know you are watching this and doing the Night at The Roxbury head bob. Your secret is safe with me.

The other one that makes me happy goes back several years with some old friends I used to work with, including my old roommate. It's a remix and it is one of those songs that makes you want to party like it's summer every day.


You sooo want to party right now. Corona in hand, makes you want to move your dancin' feet.

Day 4: A song that makes you sad

Different songs make me sad for different reasons. There are ones I hear that make my heart break, especially recently. Others remind me of my dad who I miss more than anything, especially now with the shit-storm that my life is in.

Nights in White Satin makes me sad. I love it. My dad loved the Moody Blues and this song just makes me wish he was here. That he was around.


Please Remember by Leann Rimes would be what I would play in lieu of a father daughter dance if I were to ever get married. It kills me knowing my dad would never be around to give me away, never get to meet the man I would give my entire heart to, want to share my life with. I thought I was on my way there, that my life was falling into place and things were going to be perfect. I just don't know anymore.

I am even in tears as I write this listening to it.

And right now, broken hearted, there is a whole bunch of songs that I swear popular music is trying to emotional punch me in the face. I can't turn on the radio without hearing something. So many songs that are so full of heartache and longing.

Much like a line from one of my favorite movies, "Which came first, the music or the misery? Am I miserable because I listen to pop music, or do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable?"

Right now this song sums me up. There are so many more, but this is a good jumping off point.


And this one is hitting me harder and harder every day.

Oooh Oooh Pick me! Pick Me!

Day 1: your favorite song.

Ok, tough jump off. I mean, who has just 1 song that is their favorite? I had a favorite in high school, college, as a kid. A favorite one for certain moods. I turn to music for everything. It's cathartic.

I will drive down the street blasting whatever the mood calls for and sing at the top of my lungs, looking like a complete maniac to whomever may be sharing the road with me at the time.

So, I will attempt to choose a favorite (even though there are thousands). You may not like it, know it or agree, but what the hell. It's not your blog.

I Challenge You!!

I am not a band-wagoner per say. I don't tend to jump on those cheesy "Post this as your status if..." things on Facebook. I don't forward email chain letters touting if I don't send these I will have seven years bad luck, or if I DO, then I will fall madly in love with the next person to pass me on the sidewalk.

However, a friend of mine has been doing those 30 day challenges to get in the habit of blogging every day.

I tend to blog a shit-ton one month, and next to none the next, so in an attempt to get my Mojo back, I will attempt one of these said challenges.

Being a music aficionado, I will do a 30 day song challenge. I will have to figure out a song that goes with the corresponding day to the corresponding request and then blurb about it.

Thrilling, yes?

This is the 30 day Song Challenge:

day 01 - your favorite song
day 02 - your least favorite song
day 03 - a song that makes you happy
day 04 - a song that makes you sad
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to
day 09 - a song that you can dance to
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep and feel relax
day 11 - a song from your favorite band
day 12 - a song from a band you hate
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love
day 15 - a song that describes you
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio
day 19 - a song from your favorite album
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you’re angry
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you’re happy
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play
day 28 - a song that makes you feel inspired and creative
day 29 - a song from your childhood
day 30 - a song that makes you want to help the world, help the environment, end poverty, help society...

I don't know how good or bad I will do with these, but I will also attempt to include a video of said song. (which you would obviously have to pause my "live" music that plays for your listening pleasure as you read)

It starts...

Questions...

What does it take, to keep on going?
With out the hurt, emotions showing?

How do you learn to carry on?
When the one you love has up and gone?

When do you ever start to heal?
Believe again, don't fear to feel?

When can you sleep peaceful again?
When you lost your love, your best friend?

How do you learn to let him go?
When in your heart, he's all you know?

When will the hurt, anger, sadness melt?
Will you forget the love, the good you felt?

Will you ever not wish to turn back time?
To when I was happy, when you were mine?

Story of a Fool

How am I supposed to not feel like a fool? Not feel like I was completely disillusioned by a year and a half of a supposed loving relationship? How am I supposed to not feel like everything you said a week ago when we broke up was true? That you loved me, that this was hard for you, that you wanted to be with me but....but.....but...

It's been a week and you aren't grieving the loss of your supposed best friend. The love you chased for so many years. No.

You are on dating sites, you are flirting openly on Social Media. And I am left looking like an asshole.

I am left here broken and lost and confused and angry and doubtful and every other emotion you can roll into one.

How do I know what you said was ever true? Last time I checked you don't lie to your best friend. Last time I checked when you love someone you don't do things to intentionally hurt them

What was real??

How do I not feel like there is something wrong with me?? That after all that pining and trying and finally succeeding to have a relationship with me you can so easily cast me off, vote me off the island and feed me to the sharks?

If I am fooled by the one person who was never supposed to be able to do that, how the hell am I to trust anyone again?

You said you cried yourself to sleep last week. That you put all of our pictures in their "rightful" place on Sunday where they belong on your bureau, after I piled them for you to hide or throw away. That you loved them, you loved me. That you felt I was your best friend. You don't fucking lie to your best friend. You don't take everything she feels and rip it into a million pieces, tossing it in her face like some sort of masochistic confetti falling in front of her like rain.

You don't within the blink of an eye set yourself up on dating websites. And when my friend who happens to be on them see's and send me the links, you don't then say to me "It's not even a paid account (and mind you one is a FREE dating service) and I can't talk to anyone, or want to talk to anyone and don't see myself dating anytime in the foreseeable future"

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE ONE! Period.

Good luck finding anyone better than me. You tried that before and were left wanting. Left BEGGING me to take you back. You tried it before we ever dated and couldn't find anyone who made you as happy as I did. Who you loved more than me or wanted to spend your life with.

You always wanted me.

How do you go from making life-altering decisions about OUR future not long ago, to asking me if I wanted to look at rings not even a month ago, to this?? How do you shut yourself off so easily and ready yourself to move on? I'd really like to fucking know.

You and your fears, your stupid manly insecurities, your fucking mid-life crisis I don't know, whatever the hell it is that has you here. Has us in this position. I hope it's worth it. I hope you look back with regret, hell even with pain, and know that you will never find better than what we had. No one will ever have loved you more.

The End

How do you not feel defective
In hindsight, in retrospective

How do you learn to actually deal
What was right, what is real

Your mind your heart are now at war
Eyes are bloodshot, body sore

Twisting thoughts in every way
How did it come to be this way

You weren't enough, you had it wrong
You're told that now you don't belong

You break inside, a million parts
The shattered remnants of your heart

You spin their words inside your head
Ones you wish were never said

How can you move on, how can you get through
When all of this is killing you

You once had love and now left wanting
The pain you feel consumes you, daunting

They say you're done, you've come to the end
Alone without love, without your best friend

You cry, you break, you're devastated
The love you so patiently had waited

Shut you out, left you broken
No more words between you spoken

You're haunted now by what you had
Emotionally drained, eternally sad

His face, his voice, your memories
A shell of yourself is all you see

A pain you know will never mend
In pain because it is the end

Amateur Magicians

I've apparently been disillusioned as to what happiness is. To what love is.

Bamboozled, hoodwinked and completely blindsided.

I thought I had it. I had what people spend their entire lives looking for. What young girls are promised in stories as they grow up about a man who will love them no matter what and be there for them through thick and thin. That they would have their vows honored; For better or worse, sickness and health.

I had the love of my best friend. A man who was there for me and I him for so many years. A man who loved me from afar before I actually let my cynical guard down and admitted I loved him too. And then for the past year and a half have spent falling more in love with every day.

And now its gone. Ripped out from underneath me like an amateur magician pulling a tablecloth, only leaving a mess of broken pieces behind.

How do you go from so in love and thinking of the rest of your life with someone to nothing?

I can't function. I can't sleep. I can't eat, and when I do it's by force. I cry. I cry so hard that I get physically sick. And then I'm vacant. I'm a shell of myself walking around zombie-like until the next overwhelming wave of emotion attacks me and I am once again succumbed to the blubbering puddle of emotional shit that I have become.

How on Earth did we get here? How the fuck do you go from wanting someone for so long to walking away? From being in love with your best friend to nothing? How do you let your stubborn fear of change ruin something wonderful? Something that comes along once in a lifetime?

You in your bubble. Your manly haven. Hiding behind whatever excuses you can muster. It's this or it's that. "I've tried". Bullshit.

The only thing you have tried and succeeded at was fooling me. Was pulling the wool over my eyes and having me see that everything was fine. That you loved me. That you wanted to be with me. Enough so that you even mentioned looking at rings not even a month before.

You can't have your cake and eat it to. It's all or it's nothing. I am with you in your life, or I am a ghost. A faint image that may linger on in your mind, but gone. I cannot handle this. This roller coaster. This up and down. What the fuck?!

Who is happy 100% of the time?? Unless you are hopped up on Xanex?? Anyone who is happy 100% of the time is lying. There is no such thing. Yet I was never UN-happy. I was never dissatisfied. I was never not in love. Would there be arguments? Of course, that's human nature. It was never with malice, it was never spiteful. More importantly it was never lasting.

I had never let myself open to anyone. I was impermeable. A fortress. It was ex to the next. It was because I didn't need them. I was passing the time, I was in a relationship because I thought I should be, not because I wanted to be. And when they were over, I wasn't sad. I was relieved. It was a blip on the calendar it wasn't an impact on my life.

You, you are different. And god damn you I want to hate you for it. You tried so hard to get me to love you. You sledgehammered the walls I had built up. You melted my cynicism and you made the callousness I had all but disappear. I am in love with you. I love who you are, faults included. All of you 100%.

Whether things were hard or easy, whether life threw softballs or huge hard to hit curves. Every obstacle was overcomable with you by my side. We were in it together. From outside forces to ourselves, we were there for each other. Championing our future happiness. Together.

You made me realize things I never knew I wanted. A life actually spent with someone else. An actual family. A future. Waking up next to you, mundane everyday things like meals together, or even just sitting in the house watching TV. I cherished every minute of it.

I had a part of you grow inside me. An indelible mark that will never go away. A scar so great it may as well be tattooed in my heart. And now that scar is all I am left with. A hole inside myself. Inside my psyche.

I can't breathe.

It's hard to breathe through the lungs of crushed spirit. Of trampled hopes and dreams. Of a love that was so strong it consumes you. Like a tornado, dark winds and debris of what was once your happy life now laying in pieces all around you.

And here I lay, in the devastation and destruction of what my life was. Under the shattered pieces of love, of a life we shared. And I am alone.

I Break

Death would be too easy
For then the pain is gone
But heartache has another way
It lingers on and on

Though inside I am dying
And my eyes a river make
Each breathe I take is labored
Not sure that I can take

My thoughts are ever clouded
An emptiness inside
For death yes would be easier
From this torture I can't hide

A hole inside is forming
A gap too large to mend
I try to understand it
I break I cannot bend

I break I cannot bend
I break I cannot bend
I cannot bend
I break...

Don't Let Go

I twist, I writhe
It's all inside
No one knows
No one knows

Silent suffering
Nothing buffering
It doesn't show
It doesn't show

Touch me, Feel me
Love me, Heal me
Don't let go
Don't let go

The Whirling Dervish, Saving Tata's

This is the time of year I run myself ragged.

I procrastinate really, wait until the very last second and then bust my ass like a whirling dervish to try and accomplish what I need to.

Yup, it's Relay season.

For the past 5 years I have been involved with the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. An amazing all night event that is fun, life changing and freaking exhausting.

It started accidentally of course. Let me 'splain.

My best friend Kelly was getting married. She and her now husband had been together for close to a decade and were finally tying the knot. As best friend and bridesmaid, I got to help out along the way. We went to florists, we discussed colors. All those duties one would expect by watching those cheesy shows on TLC or what have you.

In our planning stages, we were invited to go see her DJ in action. A friend of hers from work who had a side business. He was DJing a Relay for Life in Medway, Massachusetts. Not exactly the next town over, so another bridesmaid, the bride and myself packed into the car and drove about an hour away.

We were blown away. THIS was something special. People in costumes and campsites set up all around us. The most positive energy I have ever felt in the air as people walked laps around a track. Smiling, laughing. We of course were there late (after work) so as the evening wore on and we listened to the DJ spin his tunes, the sun was setting and the track lit now by those infamous lights the football players usually get the pleasure of being superstars under.

Football players weren't the stars that night. An announcement was made and suddenly the track grew dark, quiet. All around us were the flicker of candlelight from what we learned were Luminary bags, dedicated to those who were Survivors of Cancer and those who had lost their fight. There was silence, there were tears. A speech given in honor of those touched by the disease and a lap in the glimmering light given off by those dedicated bags.

It was simply amazing.

We decided then and there we wanted to find something similar near where we lived. That we too wanted to somehow take part in this miraculous event. Next year we said. Next year would be our year to make a difference.

Little did we know what next year would entail.

Now back to the wedding. As I said, my best friend and her now husband had been together close to a decade. Naturally, as Murphy's Law would have it, just after she bought her wedding gown, she found out she was pregnant. 10 years together and nothing and as soon as they plan the wedding: BOOM baby.

All taken in stride of course, the wedding took place at an Irish Cottage on a beautiful day in May.

Come October, they had their beautiful daughter Mia. Mia would end up saving Kelly's life.

When Dylan was born, I breastfed. I apparently had enough skill and lactose to support a small 3rd world country. WIC asked me to become a Breast Feeding Counselor and help talk to and support other mother's who were starting in on that journey. So when Dylan was an infant, that's what I did.

Of course all my friends knew this and as they started to have babies, even after I was no longer working for WIC, they would call me. Kelly was no exception. She too tried to nurse Mia and was being met with problems. I gave her every option I was trained on and then it was time to call the doctor.

So off she went and it was deduced she had a clogged milk duct. She would stop breast feeding and switch poor, hungry little Mia over to formula, and then the problem should stop. That bump she felt in that spot should subside and everything should go back to normal.

Months passed since she stopped nursing, and that lump was still there. On a day in February Kelly went to the doctor. They did a quick biopsy. Everything happened in a whirlwind from there.

An emergency Lumpectomy, followed by months of intense Chemo and Radiation. Kelly was diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma. And if she hadn't gotten pregnant, it may have gone undetected. Mia saved her life.

We thought back to that day we went to see her DJ. We thought back to the Relay and we knew it was meant to be, we HAD to participate. A woman she worked with happened to be on a team near where we lived, and we of course joined. She and I.

Kelly was undergoing treatment and I had just been released from the hospital after a bad car accident, but damnit we did that Relay. It had become so important to us then. We weren't just fighting for distant elderly relatives we hardly remembered who were taken by this disease, we were fighting for Kelly's life. My best friend.

The next year, we were eager to form our own team, to take what happened to Kelly and involve our friends, our families. We found a Relay in Weymouth, the town next to where we grew up, and we formed a team; she and I co-captains.

Of course, these things like any attempt at a well-oiled non profit machine hold meetings to help you get your bearings, and off I went to what I thought was a team captains meeting. It wasn't. It was a committee meeting. The people who were responsible for putting on the entire event. Volunteers from the community who were made of of Survivors and people eager to help.

I got completely swept away.

I wanted to do anything I could to help. I became a part of that committee. The first year I volunteered to cover breaks. I ran the little store we had, I helped out in the concession stand, the parking lot. I ran around maniacally trying to do anything I could.

We gathered friends and we stayed the night. Each lap a different theme we would costume ourselves and campsite with the years theme (Ahem, we have won "Best Campsite" the last 2 years running I may add). All night long, delirious with exhaustion and overwhelmed by the meaning of what this entire event stands for.

Even Dylan has been on the team since he was 2. Raising his own money (with the help of that cute face begging family members) and getting up at 5am and running laps around the track. He gets excited about it every year.

The next year I became more involved, and more every year since. Last year I went to a Relay for Life University as I was chosen to represent our area and got to meet people from around the country who have participated in this event for the past 26 years. I was the Team Recruitment & Development and Online Chair. I was helping other new teams come up with fundraisers, showing them the ropes. Helping get them set up online and running the Relay's Facebook page.

This year with a busy schedule of work and Dylan's T Ball I haven't been able to attend as many meetings, but I am still very involved. I still run the Facebook, I still help work with teams, all thanks to the beauty of the Internet and email.

I put together a benefit concert for my team every year. Local bands and businesses donating their time and wares to raffle off and put on a show. 100% of the door and raffle proceeds going to the American Cancer Society.

This is something I am passionate about. Something that means so much to me having watched my best friend go through this. She got weak from Chemo, she got 3rd degree burns from Radiation. She had a mastectomy and reconstruction surgery all before she was 30. (and she has been Cancer free for close to 3 years now)

I thought back to how many people in my life had been touched or lost to this horrible disease. A disease that doesn't discriminate. That doesn't choose male over female, young over old. It doesn't choose you by race or social status. It just happens. In so many forms and to so many people.

I lost my paternal grandparents to lung cancer, a great aunt and a neighbor who was my grandmother. I had an aunt who was a breast cancer survivor, going through it when I was so young I had no idea. Friends parents last year died of this horrible disease. I lost a high school friend to Ewing Sarcoma just shy of my graduation. I thought back to all those people, and I knew I had to keep fighting for them.

I have to keep fighting so someday there is an end. That someday my son will live in a world where Cancer is as obsolete as the Bubonic Plague.

I have to keep fighting.
(if you want to help me, please go to Apryl Save The Tata's and donate)