Thursday, May 12, 2011
Story of a Fool
How am I supposed to not feel like a fool? Not feel like I was completely disillusioned by a year and a half of a supposed loving relationship? How am I supposed to not feel like everything you said a week ago when we broke up was true? That you loved me, that this was hard for you, that you wanted to be with me but....but.....but...
It's been a week and you aren't grieving the loss of your supposed best friend. The love you chased for so many years. No.
You are on dating sites, you are flirting openly on Social Media. And I am left looking like an asshole.
I am left here broken and lost and confused and angry and doubtful and every other emotion you can roll into one.
How do I know what you said was ever true? Last time I checked you don't lie to your best friend. Last time I checked when you love someone you don't do things to intentionally hurt them
What was real??
How do I not feel like there is something wrong with me?? That after all that pining and trying and finally succeeding to have a relationship with me you can so easily cast me off, vote me off the island and feed me to the sharks?
If I am fooled by the one person who was never supposed to be able to do that, how the hell am I to trust anyone again?
You said you cried yourself to sleep last week. That you put all of our pictures in their "rightful" place on Sunday where they belong on your bureau, after I piled them for you to hide or throw away. That you loved them, you loved me. That you felt I was your best friend. You don't fucking lie to your best friend. You don't take everything she feels and rip it into a million pieces, tossing it in her face like some sort of masochistic confetti falling in front of her like rain.
You don't within the blink of an eye set yourself up on dating websites. And when my friend who happens to be on them see's and send me the links, you don't then say to me "It's not even a paid account (and mind you one is a FREE dating service) and I can't talk to anyone, or want to talk to anyone and don't see myself dating anytime in the foreseeable future"
YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE ONE! Period.
Good luck finding anyone better than me. You tried that before and were left wanting. Left BEGGING me to take you back. You tried it before we ever dated and couldn't find anyone who made you as happy as I did. Who you loved more than me or wanted to spend your life with.
You always wanted me.
How do you go from making life-altering decisions about OUR future not long ago, to asking me if I wanted to look at rings not even a month ago, to this?? How do you shut yourself off so easily and ready yourself to move on? I'd really like to fucking know.
You and your fears, your stupid manly insecurities, your fucking mid-life crisis I don't know, whatever the hell it is that has you here. Has us in this position. I hope it's worth it. I hope you look back with regret, hell even with pain, and know that you will never find better than what we had. No one will ever have loved you more.