Monday, May 9, 2011
I've apparently been disillusioned as to what happiness is. To what love is.
Bamboozled, hoodwinked and completely blindsided.
I thought I had it. I had what people spend their entire lives looking for. What young girls are promised in stories as they grow up about a man who will love them no matter what and be there for them through thick and thin. That they would have their vows honored; For better or worse, sickness and health.
I had the love of my best friend. A man who was there for me and I him for so many years. A man who loved me from afar before I actually let my cynical guard down and admitted I loved him too. And then for the past year and a half have spent falling more in love with every day.
And now its gone. Ripped out from underneath me like an amateur magician pulling a tablecloth, only leaving a mess of broken pieces behind.
How do you go from so in love and thinking of the rest of your life with someone to nothing?
I can't function. I can't sleep. I can't eat, and when I do it's by force. I cry. I cry so hard that I get physically sick. And then I'm vacant. I'm a shell of myself walking around zombie-like until the next overwhelming wave of emotion attacks me and I am once again succumbed to the blubbering puddle of emotional shit that I have become.
How on Earth did we get here? How the fuck do you go from wanting someone for so long to walking away? From being in love with your best friend to nothing? How do you let your stubborn fear of change ruin something wonderful? Something that comes along once in a lifetime?
You in your bubble. Your manly haven. Hiding behind whatever excuses you can muster. It's this or it's that. "I've tried". Bullshit.
The only thing you have tried and succeeded at was fooling me. Was pulling the wool over my eyes and having me see that everything was fine. That you loved me. That you wanted to be with me. Enough so that you even mentioned looking at rings not even a month before.
You can't have your cake and eat it to. It's all or it's nothing. I am with you in your life, or I am a ghost. A faint image that may linger on in your mind, but gone. I cannot handle this. This roller coaster. This up and down. What the fuck?!
Who is happy 100% of the time?? Unless you are hopped up on Xanex?? Anyone who is happy 100% of the time is lying. There is no such thing. Yet I was never UN-happy. I was never dissatisfied. I was never not in love. Would there be arguments? Of course, that's human nature. It was never with malice, it was never spiteful. More importantly it was never lasting.
I had never let myself open to anyone. I was impermeable. A fortress. It was ex to the next. It was because I didn't need them. I was passing the time, I was in a relationship because I thought I should be, not because I wanted to be. And when they were over, I wasn't sad. I was relieved. It was a blip on the calendar it wasn't an impact on my life.
You, you are different. And god damn you I want to hate you for it. You tried so hard to get me to love you. You sledgehammered the walls I had built up. You melted my cynicism and you made the callousness I had all but disappear. I am in love with you. I love who you are, faults included. All of you 100%.
Whether things were hard or easy, whether life threw softballs or huge hard to hit curves. Every obstacle was overcomable with you by my side. We were in it together. From outside forces to ourselves, we were there for each other. Championing our future happiness. Together.
You made me realize things I never knew I wanted. A life actually spent with someone else. An actual family. A future. Waking up next to you, mundane everyday things like meals together, or even just sitting in the house watching TV. I cherished every minute of it.
I had a part of you grow inside me. An indelible mark that will never go away. A scar so great it may as well be tattooed in my heart. And now that scar is all I am left with. A hole inside myself. Inside my psyche.
I can't breathe.
It's hard to breathe through the lungs of crushed spirit. Of trampled hopes and dreams. Of a love that was so strong it consumes you. Like a tornado, dark winds and debris of what was once your happy life now laying in pieces all around you.
And here I lay, in the devastation and destruction of what my life was. Under the shattered pieces of love, of a life we shared. And I am alone.