Wednesday, June 1, 2011

What NOT to Wear

I very rarely do photo posts. I mean, sure I usually find some random stock type photo on the interwebz and have it tie in to my general theme of where I am going (or where I THINK I am going anyway) with my thoughts as I get them the hell out of my head at any given moment, but I rarely just find a gaggle of photos and share them

That being said, I think I need to put out a sort of public service announcement.

Oh yes.

This will be an education for all of you, and I will be thanked later by the masses I am sure of it, as will a lot of you if you willingly share my wealth of information.

This is for the fella's. ADULT fella's. Men, if you will.

This is a compilation of things you should never EVER put on your body. Accessories you should clearly avoid. Hairstyles you should shoot people for attempting to give you. I don't care if you think you rival David Beckham in the looks department, I don't care if you think you have the abs of Channing Tatum. I don't care how cute your mom tells you you are. NO self respecting adult woman wants to see you in ANY of the following situations.


1. NEVER ever on any occasion outside maybe Halloween should a man ever wear a mesh shirt. I don't care if you think you are all Goth and cool (and seriously, there is nothing cool about Goth, maybe if you were all hip and into the Cure in the 80's, but really it doesn't make you different or edgy now, it makes you look ridiculous and like every other kid who shops at Hot Topic)



2. NEVER pop your collar. No really. You DO look like a douche bag. It was never cool.



3. (and maybe 4)SOO many wrongs with this picture. First off, no self respecting adult woman wants a man with hair that could fatally wound her. I have no idea what has happened to the youth of this country that they find ANY of this tasteful or remotely attractive, but it's a no-no. And the shirt needs to be buttoned up a few more. It's not 1976 and you are not John Travolta. Also, being tan...sexy. Being as orange as an Oompa Loompa from Willy Wonka not so much.



5. Let's face it, most WOMEN who wear skinny jeans should not wear skinny jeans. If you have a penis, you should refrain. As a rule. I don't care how trendy you think you are, you are not. This also covers leather or pleather pants. You are not Axel Rose. You look like an asshole.



6. You have a waist. No really. There is even a marker to prove it. It's called your belly button. I used to be a manager at a Tuxedo company for years. I used to literally introduce boys pants to their belly button because clearly they had never met before. You pant waist line is NOT around your mid thigh. This does not give you "Swagger". This makes you look like you just had an accident and you need to go home and change.



7. Don't get me wrong, I love me some cool funny ironic t-shirts on occasion. HOWEVER, if your entire wardrobe consists of them and you are now in your 30's and still dressing like you live in a dorm room, it may be time for an intervention.




8. Chances are you are not a Gangsta rapper. You aren't "Thug Life" (chances are a lot of these so-called famous ones aren't either but whatever) No grown man should wear large obnoxious "Bling" Again, unless it's Halloween, and you are dressed as Mr. T. I pity the Fool.




9. Some guys can get away with an earring lets face it. Its takes a certain look. If you can get away with it, then more power to you, it can be wicked sexy. NOT a big honking ridiculously looking diamond stud. This is NEVER sexy on a guy. If someone tells you it looks good, they lied to you. Give them back to your mom.



10. No man should wear a turtle neck. I mean if you are skiing, and layering and there is some sort of life saving thermal need to have it on, maybe that can be considered acceptable. A short sleeved one just for shits and giggles however? HUGE no-no.



*BONUS Help
If you are headed to the beach, I get it. There is a time and place for everything. A flip flop is ok. A sturdy rugged one. Assuming of course you don't have feet like Frodo here.


This however, is never EVER ok. Say no to Mandals.


Another bonus tidbit for you, NO man should ever wear capri pants. No clam diggers, Jorts, or the like. I don't care if you think you have sexy ankles. I don't care if it's too hot for pants, yet too cool for shorts. You have testosterone. Don't do it.



Oh, and the biggest No brainer of them all. Denim on Denim. Burn it. Burn it all.



In general, don't dress like ANY of these people. You will be destined to remain in your mom's basement, playing World of Warcraft, and shouting for meatloaf.

Bet he likes NASCAR?

He Feels Pretty, Oh So Pretty

He matches so well, it's easy to pick up the ladies



If you own any of these pieces of clothing, know that we will secretly burn them. The washing machine will mysteriously get bleach on them. The dryer will eat them. Gnomes will come and steal them in the night. You will get suggestions about how much better your hair will look other ways.

Or you will just remain alone for a very very long time.

2 comments:

  1. At least you didn't dis the ball cap collection... thanks!

    ReplyDelete

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