Monday, July 27, 2009

Change is scary, even in your pocket

In times when I am trying to make myself seem like I am financially frugal, stable, able to actually balance a check book adult; I miss my dad the most.

Contemplation of being an adult hits me and I realize that at 30 years old (agh I realize I just said it out loud again) I should be able to handle monetary responsibilities on my own without doubt, without second guessing my every thought.


What is it about major decisions that make us want to go running like a child with a skinned knee into the open armed embrace of a parent to make it all better? Make the problems go away, make the decisions for me.

Ridiculous things like switching my car insurance make me think I am inept as a human being. It’s like I can't function in the realm of the Grown-Up World. Collision? Full-Coverage? What?! Decisions, decisions!

I contemplate moving into a bigger apartment, which makes so much sense in so many ways; but the fear of change and the fear of not being to handle things on my own with out my father here makes me weary of any decision regarding progress.

The last time I moved was to escape. Granted I had to really, but he was there to help me. He was always there to help me pick up the pieces, albeit usually screaming at me the entire time for having to do so, but there nonetheless.

Why is it as a mother, as a 3o year old woman, as a seemingly independent woman, that when I want to try to make a decision, make a change in my life, even as silly as switching to Geico I feel like I can't do anything without my father?

No wonder I can't keep a boyfriend.

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