Posted May 26, 2004
Have you ever come a point in your life when you just were at your absolute wits end? Where you thought that one more mistake or one more outburst would send you toppling into an abyss so dark and long that you may never again see the light of day? Welcome to my nightmare. I am so alone, yet I am surrounded all the time with people. I can not seem to get anyone in my life to get to a point where they understand me at all. I am in my own mental prison, and I have no means of escape. The only joy that I have is knowing I have a life growing inside me.
To know that in a few months, there will someone in this world who will love me unconditionally. Who will never know any wrong I may do in the eyes of others, only the perfection of motherhood. Any menial task I fail to complete in sheer exhaustion from pregnancy becomes yet more ammunition for the wolves who dare to feed on my insecurities. In my hormonal frailty I am weakened by things once thought impossible. Crying at the slightest thing, unable to feel adequate in anything.
I am not resentful of my soon-to-be child, I am resentful of the lack of understanding of those around me. I have a constant companion, and yet I feel sometimes so alone, that I do not know that I can fair things at all. I am falling deeper into a depression that I must keep to myself. Selfish about how I feel and if I try to voice how I feel, shut down from seemingly every angle. I feel lashed out upon by those with different ideals or expectations of what they believe I should be thinking, feeling, doing.
Any thing I may deem appropriate for myself, for the well being of myself as well as my child doesn’t raise up to the standards set by others than myself. There are days I feel that perhaps I may be understood, that I may be loved as unconditionally as one could ever hope. But then the harsh reality sets in, and I see that I am too tired to accomplish things once thought simple. Too drained to think too far ahead. I am viewed lazy, yet my body feels as though a war has ravaged inside me and I am not on the winning side of the battle. I am experiencing these emotions I never knew could be so intense, and no one seems to understand. I work, a tireless seeming job I know, but its work, and I have stress and I can’t seem to balance things the way I once was able. I want to rip these feelings of inadequacy out of my system. To remember what it is like to love myself, to have confidence, but those feelings seem like light years away.
I want what is in the best interest of my child, but I also want the best interests of myself considered. What use is a mother to a child if she doesn’t feel capable because of the thoughts pushed upon her by others? Things can be said so many times about you before the time comes when you stop defending yourself, and you start to become what people say. You start to believe the negativity and lose sight of yourself. The once joyous, confident person you were replaced by one more timid and frightful of other people’s opinions.
Who is that person? Why have I never known her and now she seems so familiar? I look into the mirror everyday and the reflection is no longer resembling me. I see familiar stranger. I know that I am to be naturally altered, with baby as well as with age, but who lies beneath the surface? She too is fading away. The one whom was the start of it all, the confident catalyst that once had people falling at her feet, now grovels to feign existence. The one thing that keeps that slightest hint of that person alive is the unborn child. Soon enough to view the world through its own eyes, and hopefully resurrect the spirit of a woman who deserves more than to be whittled into what other people want or expect. She deserves to be herself, and to be free.