Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Easy Bake Oven

There are two separate but equally as important definitions when it comes to being a single mom and dating and both can be summed up in and defined by using one phrase and ironically one toy widely used in its hay-day that for some strange reason is oddly appropriate for both.

The Easy Bake Oven,Yes that’s right folks. The Easy Bake Oven.

That mystical toy that created hours of wonder for children everywhere has suddenly popped into my head (Lord help you all) and given me cause to enlighten you all to my poetic license in coming up with new and exciting definitions for that pesky little stigma of being and dating a single mom.

Ah yes, back to that. As if you haven’t heard me vent enough about the pains of motherhood and wiping ass (although thanks be it to the advances in preschool I am thankfully post-ass wiping and very very grateful), I am not however, nor probably never will be, done bitching about the opposite sex when it comes to such things.

So back to the Oven.

Definition 1.

Much like an actual domestic oven, expected to create goodies of great taste and expected to care for you and cook for you. You fall into one of the two possible definitions (in the male psyche mind you) of the Easy Bake Oven.

The classic Donna Reed-esque image, apron donned, smile twinkling and the ever-present “How was your day, Dear?” Ready to greet you when you get home from the proverbial “money-making” with a great meal and a clean house and your evening paper. Kids clean and in bed, because heaven forbid you have to deal with then (gasp) and then it’s off with your shoes and on with your slippers and then “oh look the game is on!” Why don’t I just serve you for the rest of you life? OK sounds good….

Yeah. That will happen. Give me a moment while my eyes rest from rolling.

Just because one pops a kid out of her uterus does not automatically mean she is going to stop everything and take care of your sorry ass for the rest of your life because she is going to take care of her kid. It’s instinct for them, not you.

Definition 2.

More like the easy part of the oven, and using the fact that a “bun” in fact was once in there.

You become a warming device. A means of practice and easy accessibility, because lets face it you put out….clearly.

Fella’s, just because a woman is single and has a child, does not mean she is a rotating vagina for you to use at your beck and call. She is not a booty call, and never should be, in fact, should be held in higher regard then anyone you have ever met because she is stronger, smarter, and can fix any wound with a kiss faster than any hospital. SO put that in your pipes and smoke them.

I am not sure exactly how some people have come to view single moms with such a stigma, and I now that many people do not, however, when trying to date them for some strange reason a myriad of excuses come about that are absurd and I would love to address them now.

1. I don’t need the drama.
OK the answer to this is simple. Most of you men cause far more drama than a child ever would. NEXT.

2. I don’t need to be someone’s father.
OK, most kids already have a father, and if he’s in their life the mother doesn’t expect you to be, and if he’s NOT in their life the mother doesn’t expect you to be. NEXT.

I guess you’ll never bake the same. ;-)

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