Hasn't Gotten Easier

Posted Date: : Apr 8, 2007 9:03 PM
So Easter has come and gone. Another first Holiday without my dad. It wasn't the same. Not seeing him at the table, helping my cousin's cut the meat, as the male family-figure head he was. Not hearing him laugh as the older kids did their scavenger hunt and the little ones scrambled to find the eggs all over the yard. It was weird. Everyone on my mom's side was there, so it was nice to see everyone of course. The kids had no idea. They just knew it all meant chocolate bunnies and eggs filled with money and candy. They played pool and Foosball and video games. We watched "Flushed Away" and "Dinosaur" with the smaller ones. And lots of food.

Usually I am always downstairs in the dining room chatting with the family, catching up, cracking jokes. Not so this year. I just found myself in the Rec room upstairs away from everyone. I walked into the living room and there was a gilded frame on the wall. It was a collage of pictures of my dad with all the kids at various ages. Dad and Kiersten, dad and Alyssa, dad and Brian, dad and Gayle. And then a poem that the Pastor read at his funeral. The same Pastor who married my parents, who baptized me and my brother, who baptized Dylan, he also buried my dad.

"My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.
Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him."

It just hit me. I am not an overly religious person, I don't even know if I believe in God at all actually. But seeing on the all white walls that one frame, encased in gold and containing those words. I just miss him so much. No matter how bad things ever got when he was around, he somehow made everything OK. And now nothing is going to be OK. It hasn't gotten any easier.

I did get that job I was hoping for within Best Buy though. I get my official offer for it tomorrow and then I can start on the 16th. However, my engine in my car is about to cease and I can't do anything about it. I don't think it will make the commute I have to make for my new job. I don;t know what to do. I am so stressed out and all I do is cry. Today was the first time I have really eaten in days. It's like throwing in my face that something good might have happened with the job so my car will die before it happens and it will get all fucked up because I won't be able to get there. Like the universe is playing some sick joke on me.

I tried to file my taxes, but my defaulted student loan from 10 years ago is going to take it all and I have to try to fight to get it back. Nothing can ever be easy. Nothing can ever just happen for the right reasons. I can't even attempt to finance a car because my credit has been so fucked for so many years that I am too far gone. I would love to do something about it, pay it off, work on fixing my credit. But I can't. I have to live hand-to-mouth to keep a roof over my head and food in my kids stomach. I hate this. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am not allowed to be happy.

People have asked me why I don't go back to school. Why I don't try to do something else. What am I going to do? All the ideas and goals I had as a bright-eyed 18 years old are gone. I don't want the same things, hell I can't even remember what those things were anymore. It's like the years I did spend in college were useless. What have I done? I went to 2 different colleges over the span of 3 years and I am working in retail. At least this new position is a promotion of sorts. No more line level "How can I help you today" crap. I get to work in an office, I get to work 8-4, no more nights, no more weekends.

I just wish that there was someway I would know things were going to someday get better. Because as it stands right now, they only seem the be getting worse.