Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Venting Despair

Posted Date: : Apr 5, 2007 6:42 PM
I hate feeling like everything is falling apart. Just when I start to be happy, legitimately happy, the rug gets pulled out from underneath me and I fall into this abyss of crap. One thing after another. Over and over again. All at once and too much to take.

I could be surrounded by people and still feel so completely alone. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to crawl into a dark place and hide. I want to sleep and wake up and have it all have been a terrible nightmare.

I can't sleep, I can't eat. I'm a mess. I cry nonstop it seems. It doesn't get better. It's only worse as time goes on. I am so unsure of so many things with my life right now, and all I want is at least a balance. Is it too much of me to ask to be happy?

Am I selfish for wanting things like that? I never put myself first in anything, and even when there is nothing else I still can't. I hate feeling like this. I want to remember what it was like to be happy, truly happy, with out seeing an end to it, or knowing there ever would be one. Just blind and blissful. Feeling this way makes me miss my dad more and more.

Who ever told me it would get easier, they lied. They fucking lied. It doesn't, it gets harder. This will be my first Easter without him. My first birthday without him. My birthday is a week from tomorrow and all I want to do is hide. What's to celebrate?

Another anniversary of the life of a failure. I have nothing to show for anything. I have Dylan yes, but what kind of role model can I be to my son if I can't even keep my life on track? If I don't know if anything is for sure? How can I assure him that everything will be OK if I don't believe it?

I am on the edge of insanity at this point. Alone with my thoughts is not always a good thing, especially the way they are going lately. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I will never have things I thought one day I would. It's a sad realization that everything I have done over the past 10 years pretty much as amounted to nothing.

I wish I could make sense of it all. I wish I could figure out what I am supposed to do. Where I am supposed to be. How I can get to that "happy-ever-after" I wanted. I am not expecting magic or perfect, just happy. All things positive, love, laughter, happiness. That's all I want. Why is it so fucking hard to find?

What have I ever done in my 28 years to deserve all of this?

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