Why?

Posted Date: : Jul 23, 2007 10:31 PM
OK, so here comes a sort of depressing revelation that I have had suddenly.

Things about my dad seem to hit me more in waves lately and I don't know if that's good or bad.

I don't go a day without thinking about him, but sometimes it can be more fleeting than others. Maybe it's something that reminds me of him, like everything he used to love to do. The stupid things he'd say, or the 9000 times he'd call me a day to say absolutely nothing.

I have recently uploaded a whole boatload of pictures from way back when (and I know I will add tons more). I added pictures from weddings of my best friends, of my family, of us as kids.I think the wedding ones sometimes hit me the hardest. I will never have that. I will never have that fluffy white-trimmed happily ever after I may have once hoped for.

Even if I ever find myself in a functional relationship with someone who isn't the spawn of Satan, or the King of the Idiots, I will never have that. My dad will never be there to give me away.

I know that I am not the only one, but I was so close to my dad. I was daddy's little girl to the most pathetic degree. My dad did everything for me. Even if it was yelling at me for making bad decisions, which we all know I did. He made things make sense. He made things ok.

My Uncle came up here this weekend from Maryland. The whole week leading up to it was bittersweet for me. I love my Uncle. He is a great, although insane man. However, the torture of it all was how much he looks like my dad. Not just a family resemblance. No. At my dad's funeral people almost passed out seeing him thinking my dad got up out of the casket and walked around. Down to the short height and the suspenders with belt stylishly over his overweight belly. He has the glasses, the mustache. Even a lot of the same mannerisms.

Dylan called him Papa twice. In a way that made me happy because it made me glad that Dylan hasn't forgotten my dad. But it also made me so sad because I want him here so bad. I don't want a stunt double, as much as I adore my Uncle. I want my dad. I want his silly Seuss-like talk and rhymes. I want to hear him on the other end of the phone asking what Dylan's doing.

I want him to be proud of what I have done this past year. I want him to also be disappointed in other decisions I have made. Things I haven't done. I need to know he is paying attention. That no matter how bad I ever messed up, that he always cared enough to help me fix it.

I can't believe it's almost been a year. September 10th in a way seems like yesterday and yet it also feels like so many moons ago. Like it both just happened and happened so long ago all at the same time.

I can't even articulate how that feels. I just want to hide sometimes and just cry and cry. And most of the time I can't. I have so much to do and so much to try to get through on my own, and it is so hard. I thought it was hard enough when he was here, but it's so much worse without him.

My mom is amazing and I'd be lost without her, but since losing my dad I can't help but think when will I lose her too? I don't know what I'd do. My family is the world to me and we were always so close. Dysfunctional maybe, but close.

She hasn't been her since my dad died. Not at all, and I worry so much. And Todd is back to himself, but I also don't feel like he's grieved at all. He's shut himself up about the whole thing. Won't talk about it really, won't go to the grave.

I guess he has his way. I just wish we could talk about it somehow. We have that in common I guess. Dylan has somehow been the glue holding all of us together I guess. My mom spoils him rotten and so does Todd. I try to be there with them as much as I can. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so emotional sometimes and I feel like everyone thinks I should get over it already. That I need to stop crying everyday. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just turn back time and have him still here.

And now all the problems I am having with my own heart. Since my accident my heart rate was a little screwy and it prompted my doctor to have me see a cardiologist. Well, Last week I had an Echo cardiogram, and an Echo Stress test. Without knowing the full result, I have Tachycardia. Most people's resting heart rate is between 60 and 100, and the 100 being on the high side. My resting heart rate is between 105-120. During my stress test walking on a treadmill a little fast, my heart rate was almost 200. This weekend I was hooked up to a Halter monitor to check my heart rate doing normal activities. I had to record every little thing I did from driving to sleeping. It sucked to wear and people were looking at me like I was a pariah. Older people looked at me like they knew what I was wearing and younger people just stared.

I am so afraid. My dad died at 55 of Coronary Artery Disease. He had a triple and a quadruple bipass. He had had 3 heart attacks. He had a ceramic valve in his heart. He had high blood pressure and cholesteral.They have been watching my cholesteral since I was 12 and I've been on meds for it since 19. And now this. He was so young. I am 28 years old with the health of a 60 year old man and I am so scared. I feel like no one understands how I am feeling about this and I wish he was here to talk about it with. I wish he was here period, because it makes me more afriad that not that far off I won't be either. And that scares the hell out of me.Why is all this happening? WHY??