Wednesday, July 22, 2009


Posted Date: : Sep 10, 2007 10:25 PM
One year ago today was the worst day of my entire life.

One year ago my entire world as I knew it was tragically ripped apart.

I can't believe it's been a year. An entire year of holidays, of birthday's, of firsts and lasts, of ups and certainly of downs. Mostly downs.

I missed my best friends baby shower the day my father died.

I got into a car accident the day of another best friends Christening. All things that should have been great and memorable for positive reasons, tarnished by the curse I feel that plagues my family.

He missed Dylan's second birthday. Him starting daycare. Him asking so many questions. Remembering his Papa. Asking him where Papa is and hearing him say "Papa's in Heaven". Listening him to recall my dad say "Dylan my buddy" in his high pitched goofy way.

So much missed.I miss him so much. I miss knowing that no matter what happened, good or bad that he was there. I miss him being so excited to listen to Best Buy gossip, or to know what was going on with my friends, his surrogate children.

I am so sad thinking of the wedding's I have been to since he's been gone, knowing I will never have him to give me away, never have him looking at me proud and teary eyed, knowing he did his best to get me to where ever I was.

I miss the constant chirp of my Nextel, and hearing "What's my Dylan doing". Explaining his naps of infancy, and when he'd ask why he's sleeping, telling him that's what babies do. I miss his rhyming. I miss the silly songs he'd make up when I was a kid and yet continued to sing into my mid twenties.

I miss the constant asking to scratch his back, with the forever roaming itch that never seemed to go away. Kind of like a puppy just eager for the attention. He loved people, and he was the most giving man I've ever known.

There was no length that man would go to for those he loved. No mountain to big to move, no obstacle unable to be beaten. Even when he himself was completely downtrodden, he always put everyone else ahead of himself.

I miss the food stains on the front of his shirt, the belt and suspenders look he wore everyday. I miss the way his cowlick stood up all goofy when he just woke up, or the sleep marks on his face when he woke up, grunting through the mask he wore for the sleep apnea.

I miss Dylan just running into their bedroom so eager to talk to his Papa. Not once being afraid of a mask that made his voice rival Darth Vadar. He never minded being woken up by a plethora of gibberish from my little man. His whole life was Dylan.

I miss knowing that he was there to catch me when I fell, and I did so often. I hate that I felt like such a huge disappointment. The first female from his family to go to college and to not finish. He hated that, always wanted me to go back. I wish so much that I could. That I could afford to. That I could make him prouder than I did when he was here.

That I didn't constantly end up with losers. That I didn't completely mess up my life over and over again. I remember how afraid I was to tell him I was pregnant with Dylan. My mom made me wait until after his birthday so I didn't give him a heart attack, What cruel irony that turned out to be.

Amazing how the man with the biggest heart was also the man with the weakest. All those scares, all those surgeries and medications. Everything he went through he bounced back. He was our bionic man. He was more than a cat with 9 lives. He wasn't supposed to be gone. He was never supposed to not be here.

I hated sitting in an empty cemetery today staring at at stone etched with his name. I kept looking around like maybe he'd show up and this would have been a cruel joke, a bad dream. Something I could wake up from and realize I should have shown him more how much I appreciated him when he was here.

I wish I told him more how much I loved him, or that I was more of a model child.Not a child who was constantly struggling and who tried very unsuccessfully to make it on her own. I wish I was closer to his family. I love all of them, and I know they wish the same, if not for being scattered all across the country.

Not a child who has had an apparent evil vortex in every drive way I have had killing 13 cars with a stretch of bad luck, or a cruel joke by the universe. I want to finish school. I want to make something more of my life than a string of failed relationships and shit ass jobs. I want to make him proud of me, and I don't feel like I can. Like every time I feel like things are working themselves up, I get shot way the hell back down.

I just want him back. I want to scream some days so loud that maybe he'll just wake up and come home. Like this will all be over and he won't be gone. I miss him more than anything and I need him so much. Daddy I miss you so much and I love you and I think about you every day, and I talk to Dylan about you all the time, and I will never let him forget you, because I never will. 2-11-51 to 9-10-06.

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