Pondering

Posted Date: : Nov 5, 2007 3:18 PM
So once upon a time in the mind of me.....

OK I'm kidding. There is no fairy-tale beginning for me, hell I doubt there will be an ending either for that matter. But that's OK. Not every story has a "Happily-ever-after" tacked on to the end of it, and that's OK. It's reality.

Sometimes I wonder how I would be thought of in the "ever-after" sense of the phrase. How much of what I have said or done in my life will linger on afterward? How would I be remembered? Did I actually affect anyone in my life? Not in a morbid sense of the question, but more a curiosity.

I know people in my life who have affected me so greatly that I can see it in even the most menial everyday activities. They are there, even if an afterthought or a subconscious steering wheel in my head guiding me in my decisions.

I look to people I admire, OK hell to people I am downright jealous of. My friends with homes, with new cars, with marriage certificates as well as college degrees hanging on their walls. I look at the pictures of them dancing with their father's, with them being "given away", and I know I won't get that. No wonder I'm jealous.

It's not that I am not happy for them. I am of course! I love my friends and my family and I wish nothing BUT their happiness and well-being. I applaud their success and I know they worked their asses off to get where they are.

I just wonder in my ever-rambling mind when I will have that sort of success. That complete package of being mentioned as a "two-for." This is so and so and so and so. Two people who's names have become one in an introduction. Someone who isn't bipolar. Someone who isn't an asshole. Someone who people can introduce me with and not shudder at the thought because they hate him so much. Story of my life.

I am not looking for miracles. I don't think I am a bad person. I go out of my way for the people I love. I treat people with respect and I have a sense of humor. (at least I think I'm funny, but that's another story for another day) I try to be a decent and giving person, actually I don't try, it's in my nature.

More often than not I am not the "chosen" one. Sure I guess I'm fun to hang out with for a while, but never been the girl-friendly type I guess. No idea why, parents LOVE me. (ok that may be a slight exaggeration but generally true). I am honest, I try to not bitch about petty things. I mean seriously, I like sports! ( I watch them WITHOUT a male present, so I kick some major ass here).

And yet, no matter how many people I meet, or even "date", there is that innevitable movement on to greener pastures that leaves me sitting like a pile of manure. (Seriously I don't think I smell bad)

I just want my turn. Someone who wants to call ME, not the other way around. Someone who thinks I'm important enough to go out in public with, not just mess around in the darkness of their bedroom watching movies and eating fast food. (and my thighs will also be grateful for that one)

I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly imperfect. I make mistakes, but I own up to them. And I certainly try not to repeat them. I am not a supermodel, I am not stop-dead-in-your tracks gorgeous, but I'm no slouch either. My body is not what it once was, thanks to my handsome little 3 year old monster.

I have baggage, sure, but these days who doesn't in one form or another? I have debt, a child, and whatever else seems to make people stop and run, or whatever you call what consistently keeps happening somehow.

What I find the most amusing, is every ex I have ever had I am still friends with. Even funnier still, is that they either married, are engaged to, or are still with the person they got together with immediately AFTER me. Coincidence or just creepy? I don't know.

Maybe I have a lot yet to learn in relationship land. But how can you learn when there's no one around to teach you anything? I'm not looking for something right out of the gate. I am not looking to jump in with both feet and be swept away into a ridiculous relationship that then leads to marriage or whatever. Like I said I'm not expecting miracles or "happy-ever-afters".

I take things one day at a time. I don't look too far ahead, but seriously, can one of these days that I take ever so slowly lead me to something to look forward to? It gets lonely out here!