Posted Date: : Oct 1, 2007 2:31 PM
I drove home last night from a night with my cousin's and after a weekend of another cousin's wake and funeral and was driving in the dark and listening to country music. (No eye-rolling you)
Now that the premise for my rambling has started, I realized that there are a lot more things that I should be grateful for and less pissy and moany about what I consider the bad things in my life.
I may have had some awful things go on, sure, and I am financially unstable, ok. But there are way worse things that could be going on and I felt semi enlightened as I embarked home last night, my little Booger asleep in the back seat.
I have not been the greatest friend and I want to explain why I say that. It's not that I haven't tried to be there for my friends and family, I have. I would go to the ends of the Earth and back for those I care about, and those who know me get that. I have had a year of misery in my own mind and have been selfish in how I have dealt with it.
I drove and I listened to a song from a soldier to his loved ones to be read post-mortum and it struck me hard. I had heard the song many times, and I knew it's relevance and yet I still took in its melody more often than I took in its meaning.
I realized I don't have to support the rason, I don't havce to support the leaders, but I DO fully support those soldiers over seas fighting for our country. Our freedom. They say "our freedom" even though we ARE free, but they want to keep us that way. They sign up for the military for a plethera of different reasons, yet they all get stuck to the same fate. A war they may or may not believe in and an end that may not be in sight. But they do it with pride and with diligence as their wives, children and families sit at home and worry.
They can't e-mail, they can't pick up a cell phone for a quick chat, sometimes they can't even write for extended persiods of time. They miss holidays and birthdays and even their own children being born. They stand next to their brothers, not of flesh and blood but brothers of a unit bonded together regardless of race, color, creed or age.
A unifrom once blended by shades of green to give them solace in the brush now changed to shades of tan to protect them in an unprotected desert.
I then thought of my own health issues I've had and how I felt so plagued and daunted by them. Overwhelmed by it all.
And I felt extrordinarily guilty. I then thought of my own best friend and her battle since February with a horrible disease. I thought about her weekly Chemo Therapy, he losing her hair, her inability to get disability coverage, and her major surgery and I feel like an asshole. She has been amazingly strong through all of it. Complaining in jest a lot of the time, but keeping her humor and her strength.
A new wife and mother who took the challenge of beating Cancer head on and is kicking it's ass. And I think of my own depression over my own medical situations this past years and I feel so guilt ridden and disapointed in myself for not having the fortitude to view my own non-life threatening issues with that tenacity that she did.
I could have things so much worse. I have no idea where this sudden epiphany came from, but I started thinking financially as well. I may work my ass off, and I may live paycheck to paycheck, but I am here. I am doing it and I am trying. I have been able to avoid homelessness and accomplish being a single parent in a state that is one of the hardest to live in. Massachusetts has one of the highest costs of living in the country and by those standards I am ok.
I don't need things of extravagance, I never really have. I have amazing friends. Friends who despite their own lives and difficulties put them aside when I have needed them, and it's only in looking back I see how seemingly easy I may have had it after all.
There are solid issues sure, like dealing with the death of my father, which never gets easier despite what people say. And going to my cousin's funeral and seeing her children celbrating her life, and remembering her as a person who took no shit fom anyone and was stubborn as all hell, remembering her warm spirit and that she would give you her last dollar, and that if she didn't have it she'd borrow it and give it to you.
I don't want to be remembered someday as a whining bitch who couldn't do anything on her own.
I know there are things I haven't accomplished in my life by now that I thought I might have. Or even should have. I never thought I wouldn't have finished college yet at 28. I never thought I'd be a single mom and living essentially in someone's basement. I didn't think I would be in a retail-themed job. I never even dreamed of life without either of my parents around.
I have done some things though. I went to the Grammy's in 2005 and who can say they did that? I auditioned for American Idol and even if I didn't win or make it far, I know I still tried. I played sports in my life, I joined clubs and I worked with charities even when at times I may have been one myself. I have traveled, albeit on this continent and with the boundaries of land, but I still did it. I went to Nashville and Disney World and there are a lot of people who never have. I have lived on my own, even if not always successfully, but I still did it.
I did GO to college and I know that someday I want to go back. So my ideas of what I wanted to do with my life have changed. I can honestly say that most of the friends I have with degrees are not doing neccessarily what they went to school for if at all. I will try to get myself out of debt.I want things and I want a better life for me and for Dylan, and I am willing to bust my ass to try.
I'm not expecting things to change instantly, or for things to be easy. Life is hard. Just when things seem to be working out another curveball gets thrown your way and messes up your entire plan.
So I need a new plan. Hell a series of new plans. Maybe that's the trick. One plan isn't good enough, or smart enough. No one can really prepare for anything, and I guess now that I am sort of seeing that maybe one day I will be fine.
I'm ok alone. I don't need to be reminded of the happiness of my married friends and family, I don't need to feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel in situations. I'm ok. I'm really ok. I have a beautiful little boy who tells me he loves me every day and that is more meaningful than anything or anyone else saying those words.
Whatever happens, happens. However things play out I have to try to accept them, try to re-work my plans. I have to know I can TRY. Nothing will come over night, and some things won't come at all.
I will never get to dance with my father at my wedding someday (if I even ever get married) and I hate the thought, but I had him for 27 years. I had his love and his support and his retarded jokes and his belt/suspenders combo. I have his dark hair and his smile and my son even has his nose. I have his stories, and I have the things he has made for me. I will always have him even if he isn't here to see it. Maybe he is who knows.
I believe a lot of things, I believe that there is something out there bigger than all of us, not god per-say but something. There has to be. I like ot think there is a reason for everything, even if I think it's a shitty reason. If there is a master plan out there somewhere, I hope I play a small part in it, and that somehow things will work out.
I am content with ok. I don't need amazing, I don't need great. Ok is fine. I just don't want anymore awful, bad, sad or ailing. For me OR for those I love. I guess we just have to try.....
There's another country song by Gary Allen and the words are rather poigniant:
life ain't always beautiful
sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down
it can break your heart
life ain't always beautiful
you think you're on your way
and it's just a dead-end road at the end of the day
but the struggles make you stronger
and the changes make you wise
and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time
no life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes
life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride
life ain't always beautiful
some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
and I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
yes I can dream, but life dont work that way
but the struggles make me stronger
and the changes make me wise
and happiness has its own way of takin its sweet time
no life ain't always beautiful
but I know I'll be fine
hey life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride
what a beautiful ride
I drove home last night from a night with my cousin's and after a weekend of another cousin's wake and funeral and was driving in the dark and listening to country music. (No eye-rolling you)
Now that the premise for my rambling has started, I realized that there are a lot more things that I should be grateful for and less pissy and moany about what I consider the bad things in my life.
I may have had some awful things go on, sure, and I am financially unstable, ok. But there are way worse things that could be going on and I felt semi enlightened as I embarked home last night, my little Booger asleep in the back seat.
I have not been the greatest friend and I want to explain why I say that. It's not that I haven't tried to be there for my friends and family, I have. I would go to the ends of the Earth and back for those I care about, and those who know me get that. I have had a year of misery in my own mind and have been selfish in how I have dealt with it.
I drove and I listened to a song from a soldier to his loved ones to be read post-mortum and it struck me hard. I had heard the song many times, and I knew it's relevance and yet I still took in its melody more often than I took in its meaning.
I realized I don't have to support the rason, I don't havce to support the leaders, but I DO fully support those soldiers over seas fighting for our country. Our freedom. They say "our freedom" even though we ARE free, but they want to keep us that way. They sign up for the military for a plethera of different reasons, yet they all get stuck to the same fate. A war they may or may not believe in and an end that may not be in sight. But they do it with pride and with diligence as their wives, children and families sit at home and worry.
They can't e-mail, they can't pick up a cell phone for a quick chat, sometimes they can't even write for extended persiods of time. They miss holidays and birthdays and even their own children being born. They stand next to their brothers, not of flesh and blood but brothers of a unit bonded together regardless of race, color, creed or age.
A unifrom once blended by shades of green to give them solace in the brush now changed to shades of tan to protect them in an unprotected desert.
I then thought of my own health issues I've had and how I felt so plagued and daunted by them. Overwhelmed by it all.
And I felt extrordinarily guilty. I then thought of my own best friend and her battle since February with a horrible disease. I thought about her weekly Chemo Therapy, he losing her hair, her inability to get disability coverage, and her major surgery and I feel like an asshole. She has been amazingly strong through all of it. Complaining in jest a lot of the time, but keeping her humor and her strength.
A new wife and mother who took the challenge of beating Cancer head on and is kicking it's ass. And I think of my own depression over my own medical situations this past years and I feel so guilt ridden and disapointed in myself for not having the fortitude to view my own non-life threatening issues with that tenacity that she did.
I could have things so much worse. I have no idea where this sudden epiphany came from, but I started thinking financially as well. I may work my ass off, and I may live paycheck to paycheck, but I am here. I am doing it and I am trying. I have been able to avoid homelessness and accomplish being a single parent in a state that is one of the hardest to live in. Massachusetts has one of the highest costs of living in the country and by those standards I am ok.
I don't need things of extravagance, I never really have. I have amazing friends. Friends who despite their own lives and difficulties put them aside when I have needed them, and it's only in looking back I see how seemingly easy I may have had it after all.
There are solid issues sure, like dealing with the death of my father, which never gets easier despite what people say. And going to my cousin's funeral and seeing her children celbrating her life, and remembering her as a person who took no shit fom anyone and was stubborn as all hell, remembering her warm spirit and that she would give you her last dollar, and that if she didn't have it she'd borrow it and give it to you.
I don't want to be remembered someday as a whining bitch who couldn't do anything on her own.
I know there are things I haven't accomplished in my life by now that I thought I might have. Or even should have. I never thought I wouldn't have finished college yet at 28. I never thought I'd be a single mom and living essentially in someone's basement. I didn't think I would be in a retail-themed job. I never even dreamed of life without either of my parents around.
I have done some things though. I went to the Grammy's in 2005 and who can say they did that? I auditioned for American Idol and even if I didn't win or make it far, I know I still tried. I played sports in my life, I joined clubs and I worked with charities even when at times I may have been one myself. I have traveled, albeit on this continent and with the boundaries of land, but I still did it. I went to Nashville and Disney World and there are a lot of people who never have. I have lived on my own, even if not always successfully, but I still did it.
I did GO to college and I know that someday I want to go back. So my ideas of what I wanted to do with my life have changed. I can honestly say that most of the friends I have with degrees are not doing neccessarily what they went to school for if at all. I will try to get myself out of debt.I want things and I want a better life for me and for Dylan, and I am willing to bust my ass to try.
I'm not expecting things to change instantly, or for things to be easy. Life is hard. Just when things seem to be working out another curveball gets thrown your way and messes up your entire plan.
So I need a new plan. Hell a series of new plans. Maybe that's the trick. One plan isn't good enough, or smart enough. No one can really prepare for anything, and I guess now that I am sort of seeing that maybe one day I will be fine.
I'm ok alone. I don't need to be reminded of the happiness of my married friends and family, I don't need to feel like a 3rd or 5th wheel in situations. I'm ok. I'm really ok. I have a beautiful little boy who tells me he loves me every day and that is more meaningful than anything or anyone else saying those words.
Whatever happens, happens. However things play out I have to try to accept them, try to re-work my plans. I have to know I can TRY. Nothing will come over night, and some things won't come at all.
I will never get to dance with my father at my wedding someday (if I even ever get married) and I hate the thought, but I had him for 27 years. I had his love and his support and his retarded jokes and his belt/suspenders combo. I have his dark hair and his smile and my son even has his nose. I have his stories, and I have the things he has made for me. I will always have him even if he isn't here to see it. Maybe he is who knows.
I believe a lot of things, I believe that there is something out there bigger than all of us, not god per-say but something. There has to be. I like ot think there is a reason for everything, even if I think it's a shitty reason. If there is a master plan out there somewhere, I hope I play a small part in it, and that somehow things will work out.
I am content with ok. I don't need amazing, I don't need great. Ok is fine. I just don't want anymore awful, bad, sad or ailing. For me OR for those I love. I guess we just have to try.....
There's another country song by Gary Allen and the words are rather poigniant:
life ain't always beautiful
sometimes it's just plain hard
life can knock you down
it can break your heart
life ain't always beautiful
you think you're on your way
and it's just a dead-end road at the end of the day
but the struggles make you stronger
and the changes make you wise
and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time
no life ain't always beautiful
tears will fall sometimes
life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride
life ain't always beautiful
some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
and I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
yes I can dream, but life dont work that way
but the struggles make me stronger
and the changes make me wise
and happiness has its own way of takin its sweet time
no life ain't always beautiful
but I know I'll be fine
hey life ain't always beautiful
but it's a beautiful ride
what a beautiful ride
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