Posted Date: : Jul 17, 2007 9:38 PM
So anyone who knows me knows of my sick obsession with karaoke. You know that once upon a time I could have told you where there was karaoke 7 days of the week, and most of the time I would travel where ever it was to sing all night.
I haven't gone in ages. I went from singing at least 5 days a week, down to maybe one or two, and now down to a rare occurrence.
Music has been so huge to me for so many years. Most of my earliest memories revolve around it. Listening to my dad sing his silly versions of whatever songs he was listening to (mostly because he couldn't figure out the words), and dancing to oldies in the living room with my friends and my mom on Saturday night sleepovers.
Chorus in elementary school, chorus in high school. Concert after concert, and solo after solo. Random auditions for District music festivals and SEMSBA (Southeastern Massachusetts Bandmasters Association) performances.
My Noni sang opera, one of my uncles was in a band. With all that background you'd think at least I had some sort of confidence in my ability to sing.
I have been telling people, everyone I know, that I am going to try out for American Idol. I missed the Boston audition a few years back because I had Dylan as an infant as an excuse and no babysitter. Last year also not an option. Now I can do it... in theory.
I don't know if I keep talking about it in hopes to actually talk myself into thinking that I am not going to make a complete jackass out of myself or what. I don't doubt that I can sing ok. I can carry a tune. People I don't know usually come up to me and tell me that I should try out, they compliment me on what they call talent.
I am now at the final stages. Not only am I now almost officially too old for this, but this is my last chance at even attempting to know if I am actually capable of doing something that I love so much in front of millions of people. And I only have a month to figure it all out. The audition for me is August 27.
It's not like singing in a bar full of drunk idiots, your friends the loudest cheering section and that's just because they know you. It's not like singing in the shower, or singing in the car zipping down the highway. This is a HUGE thing. It may be only singing (at first) in front of a few people, but knowing that millions of people will be sitting like jerks in front of their TV's like I have for the past 7 seasons and criticizing the HELL out of everyone on there.
It's not just their voice, it's their entire life under a microscope. I know that if dad were here he'd be proud of me for even thinking about trying. I can't do this alone. But who wants to know that they are being stripped down to the barest sense of scrutiny; their sense of style, their choice of music, the life they lead.
I think about every season I have watched. I think about every concert I have sang in, every song that touched me in a way that I will forever associate it with one person or one event for the rest of my life. Music has a magical way of affecting people in a way that nothing else can.
People choose a song for their wedding, they choose a song for a funeral. They have a song from their prom, a song from their graduation. An anthem for their friends, and a symbol of every heartache they may have ever known. They have songs that make them laugh, that make them cry. Songs that can make a bad day better, songs that tell it like it is if you could only articulate the words yourself.
So many styles of music, so many genres. So many opportunities to find a niche and to try to affect someone's life by expressing yourself creatively and bringing something that could mean everything, if only even to one person.
To vent anger, to show love, to heal a heartache, to toast your friends, to dance to sing to play, to celebrate life.
How can something that intense, something that spectacular ever come to me? I love to sing. I love to dance. To see and hear music played and to appreciate the talent of those who play, and who's emotions flow from the pluck of a guitar string, the beat of a drum set, the soulfulness of someone's voice.
I want to try more than anything. I want to know that maybe I CAN do that. That maybe something that I do, something that I write, something that comes from deep inside me, can touch someone else. I'm not thinking in terms of selling records, I'm not thinking of fame. I'm not thinking in terms of touring or paparazzi. I am thinking in terms of just doing what I love, and hoping it loves me in return.
Me; the single mother. Me; the mundane retail employee. Me; the orphaned child of my father. Me; the youngest daughter of my mother. Me; the friend, the sister, the coworker, the acquaintance. Just me.
Me.......the next American Idol?!???